BizarroBlog

NEW BLOG SITE

2011-02-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

I've moved this blog to a new site: http://www.bizarrocomics.com/

It's got the entire archive and all my new posts will be there with the same smooth, chocolately goodness. Please have a visit, sign up, click the RSS for it, or whatever it is you do when you do that thing.

Thanks, see you there!
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4 for Fun

2011-02-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Walking Dead.

There is a change coming to this semi-daily blog, but it will be a change for the better and faithful readers will not be inconvenienced. I'm moving it over to Wordpress to be part of a corral of King Features blogs or something like that. I'm not sure why, really, but my buddies at KF convinced me to do it so it's moving soon. You'll be able to find it easily and I'll leave a link to it here, so don't worry about it. More later.

This first cartoon threw some readers for a loop, as my mother often says. "That really threw me for a loop!" she'd say about this thing or that. Lots of things threw mom for a loop over the years, but she's none the worse for wear, thanks for asking. The thing about this cartoon, of course, is that your brain sees what it expects to see instead of what's really there. The fun part is looking carefully, discovering the joke, then laughing at the trick your brain played on you. Proofreaders and editors will get this joke immediately and that's just one of the many reasons that people in those professions do not have as much fun as the rest of us. Don't hate them, pity them.

Spell "pharmacy" wrong and it conjures up a whole humorous picture. Writing cartoons is just that simple. Try it yourself, but until you're feeling comfortable with it, wear a helmet and protective padding. Can't be too careful these days what with the health care crisis in America.

I'm not a senior citizen yet, I think you have to be 65 or something, so I'm wondering if I'm a sophomore or a junior. What are the age limits? Are people in their twenties Freshman? If so, what are children? Besides a noisy nuisance that are lucky they're cute.

Everyone has had the "Would-you-like-me-to-take-that-for-you-so-you-can-be-in-it?" experience. Here's a true story that happened to me: A group of about six friends and I went to a restaurant for lunch one day to celebrate a birthday. Upon exiting, one of us said, "let's take a picture." So we lined up in front of the restaurant and were about to shoot when another person came out of the restaurant and said, "Would you like me to take that for you so you can be in it?" The photographer agreed, gave him the camera and joined the rest of us. As he was about to shoot, a woman came out of the restaurant and said to him, "Would you like me to take that for you so you can be in it?" He shrugged, agreed, handed her the camera and promptly walked off down the street.

The humor was in the look on the second Good Samaritan's face.

If you'd like to view any of these cartoons on groovy products, click the names below:
Prefectionist
Farmacy
Senior Center
Painting
Burqa Photo
Senior Moment

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Astronaut

2011-02-15T07:52:00.001-08:00

I laughed.

Comedy Show!

2011-02-14T11:13:00.001-08:00

Once again, you in the San Francisco Bay Area have a chance to see a comedy genius at work and help him pay his February rent!

Will Franken Announces:
"The Grand Opening Of A New Baby" (new one-man show)
Saturday, February 19th,
9pm
The Purple Onion
140 Columbus Avenue, SF
$20

Tix available here: https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/154473

Be there or live a life without joy!
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Read This Book

2011-02-13T08:19:00.001-08:00

I read a new novel recently that I highly recommend. It's the first novel by the most exciting writer I've read in a long while, Benjamin Hale. I happened to meet him at a literary event in NYC recently and he was kind enough to give me an advance copy of his first novel, the cover of which is pictured above. I won't say much about it other than that I was blown away, couldn't put it down, didn't want it to end, can't wait for his next book, and I wanted to have his children. That last impulse has subsided some but I'm still looking forward to his next book.

Check it out here.

Cat Diary

2011-02-12T07:46:00.000-08:00

(Click the word "click" for a larger image!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Valentine Wishes.

I don't often do sequential jokes but here is one now. Just look a couple of inches above where you are looking now. I don't have a lot to say about it, so let's talk about something else.

Did you ever get one of those emails that has been going around for ten years or so about the cat and dog diary? I've gotten it many times over the years, it's one of those email jokes that just goes around and around. Well, the fun thing is that it started with one of my cartoons.

I wrote "Finding the Cat's Diary" in 1995 and sometime shortly after, people began altering and adding to it to create the email joke. It's now become something of a meme, which I must admit I think is kind of cool. It doesn't mean fame or fortune – I don't get royalties on its use or even credited for the original idea – it just means that I created something that got into people's heads enough that it was passed virally to enough folks that it became generally well known. Creative people like that kind of thing.

If you Google "pet diary" or "cat diary," you'll come across dozens of sites that post variations of this theme, featuring diaries by a cat and a dog, most of which start with a few lines from this cartoon. A guy named Allen Roland even took credit for writing it on a Salon.com blog. Kind of lame. It has ended up on some products, too, for which I could likely sue. Hmmm.

I'm also proud of it because I think it's a particularly good cartoon. Hope you like it, too. If you don't, just keep it to yourself. Like most people outside of politics, I'm capable of both pride and hurt feelings.

Get groovy schwag with these cartoons on them here:
Cat Diary
Remote Control

Lustige Zeichnung

2011-02-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Inspirational Art.

If you're as big a fan of ruthless dictator emoticons as I am, you'll love this cartoon. It features a Hitler emoticon. Actually, I've never seen a Hitler emoticon before my friend and partner, Wayno, sent this gag idea to me. To hear him tell it, his wife thought up the emoticon and he figured out a way to make a joke out of it. Then I drew it. I'm the blue-collar in this equation. Here's Wayno's story about it, which, if it differs from mine at all is just him lying again.

Speaking of attempted genocide, let's take a cartoon visit to The South. Somebody wrote to me and said that in Mississippi, people don't say "y'all." I admit I've never been to Mississippi, but I was raised in The South and have traveled a bit there and have never come across a state where they didn't say it, so I'm going with my original premise. If you've ever lived in Mississippi, let me know the truth. History demands it.

I'm off to wrestle with the tedious details of my job as the greatest cartoonist currently living in my building. Aufwiedersehen, y'all.

Want these cartoons on fine products of a wide assortment? Click below...
Hitler Emoticon
Y'all Turn

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Cold Enough

2011-02-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you by My Last Stop.

How's everyone holding up this winter? In most of the U.S. we're having record cold and snow. Brrrrrr! (That's the sound a human makes when it is cold.) CHNW and I almost moved to Maui last year but decided we were not quite ready to leave NYC. Now we're beginning to question that decision. We both look better in bikinis than in snowsuits.

Speaking of marriage, when CHNW and I announced to her parents we were getting married their response was, "Bad idea. Bad idea." Good thing I didn't ask in the traditional way. In fairness, I should mention that they now think it was a good enough idea.

On this cartoon about 4-D TV, I got a couple of emails from science types explaining to me that smell is not a dimension. Fair enough, but that's why I became a cartoonist instead of a science textbook author. I can just make crap up about anything I want and let the chips fall where they may. And there is quite a trail of misleading chips in my wake, cowboy, let me tell you.

Here's a cartoon about that person (or people) in your family that give you gifts that they think are perfect for you but could not be further off base. I once mentioned to my Aunt Sharon that I liked "kitsch art" and for my next birthday she sent me some ceramic tiles with food printed on them, the sort you're supposed to hang in your kitchen. True story. I wouldn't tell this story if there was any chance of hurting Aunt Sharon's feelings, but she's in solitary confinement now with no access to the Internet, so it's safe.

Hope you're warm and well-gifted today.

For these cartoons on groovy schwag, click below:
Marriage
4-D TV
Bunny

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Bowl Wrapup

2011-02-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

(You can find this cartoon on fine products here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Just My Luck.

A quick Monday morning update for you before I commence to feverishly inking cartoons in an attempt to reduce the amount of time by which I am late on my deadline this week.

Last night's Super Bowl was a good game and the correct team won. Sorry to all my Pittsburgh readers, I love your city and people (honestly, I've visited many times and say nothing but nice things about PBgh) and I even like Mike Tomlin, the Steeler's coach and Terry Bradshaw, the Steeler's patron saint. But the last thing your current quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger needs is another Super Bowl ring. At least not until he stops abusing women. Some of you might say, "But Dan, Ben was acquitted. What happened to 'innocent until proven guilty?'" to which I would say, "You're thinking of the U.S. justice system. This is my personal blog and I'm pretty convinced Big Ben is scum."

So congratulations to the fine folks of Green Bay Wisconsin for getting to have a big parade for the guys who won the trophy for you even though none of them are from there or would live there if they were not being paid millions of dollars to do so. And congratulations to the fine folks of Pittsburgh for not having to put up with an expensive and messy parade. It really screws with traffic.

I think the halftime show was also worth commenting on. When I heard that something called "The Black Guy Pees" was performing, I feared another "wardrobe malfunction" catastrophe like a few years back. This country is still reeling from the moral consequences of a nipple being shown on television for .5 seconds and I'm not sure we could withstand another one. (If god had meant for people to be showing their filthy parts on television, we would have been born with TV cameras facing our pee pee place.) But as it turned out, this year's show was just four space people singing while quite a lot of batteries danced around the field. If the lights of your home flickered last night, that's likely why.

Even if you didn't watch the game and think football is dumb, I hope you enjoyed this post-game wrap up.
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Super Things

2011-02-06T07:22:00.000-08:00

(If you are the person who wants to see this cartoon bigger, click the second cactus from the left. If you want to see the cartoon on fine products of many sorts, click these blue words!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Sacred Second Amendment.

Today is the day of The Super Bowl, the most watched TV event in American history, even more than the Civil War. Maybe you have a bulbous I.Q. and are not into sports, but for the rest of us, here is why you should watch it.

1. It's super, it says so right in the name. Our American legal system is the best in the world, even better than the Old Testament's, and we would not let them say "super" if it wasn't true.

2. It has "bowl" in the name, too, and good things come in bowls. Cereal, pudding, jello, chili, soup, cherries, goldfish. You never hear of anything bad coming in a bowl. Yak dung? Wrestler spit? Soiled undergarments? No.

3. Where else can you watch millionaires beat on each other? If you ever hear of a show where CEOs, politicians and stockbrokers are beating the crap out of each other in public, let me know because I'm in! Until then, I'll take the Super Bowl.

4. Ben Roethlisberger is the head guy on one of the teams and has been accused twice in one year of raping young women. Wouldn't it be fun to see him lose?
4.1. If he wins, though, it would be a serious bummer because I really hate him, even though I love the city of Pittsburgh and even the Steelers if he was not on the team.

5. People say the commercials are really great, but I think those people are mostly confusing the term "really great" for "very expensive and intentionally outrageous." Can anything be truly great now that Michael Jackson is dead? Seriously.

That's my TV recommendation for today. Pop back by tomorrow when I'll tell you why you should start watching the game show, "Wipeout".

In closing, here is another installment of Bizarro Readers' Pets. The photos have just been flooding in, if two pictures are a flood. This one features Schultzie, age 14 and was sent in by Cindy. The cartoon is from the mid-eighties, so old that I can't even find it in my archives.

More Snake!

2011-02-04T22:23:00.001-08:00

Snakemommy wrote back and provided me with this scintillating video of Louise the Burmese Python jumping through a hoop, just like in the cartoon. If you missed the beginning of this story, check out my previous post! Thanks, Snakemommy!

She also reminded me that this was Louise's second appearance on my blog. Here is the first.

Snake

2011-02-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

I'll be posting some new cartoons tomorrow but for today I offer you this photo which just came in from a reader who calls herself Snakesmommy. This is her pet python, Louise, and she is shown here enjoying a Bizarro cartoon about a trained snake act in the circus. The cartoon appears in "The Best of Bizarro" and "Life is Strange and So Are You, a Bizarro Sunday Treasury" is featured in the background. I have no background info on the blue ring.

If you'd like to send me photos of your pets with Bizarro cartoons, please do so. Who's going to stop you and why should they try? It's really none of their business.

To see this cartoon up bigger, click on the left breast pocket of the animal trainer.

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Crazy Couch

2011-02-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Dog Walker.

Have you ever been up sh*t creek without a paddle? (I cleverly added the * to that word so that it would be family friendly. Everyone knows that children are no good at Wheel of Fortune.)

Of course you have, we all have. And the message of this cartoon is to pay more attention to your paddle than to your wardrobe. Of course, if you're up sh*t creek without a paddle, this advice is useless. And if you're out canoeing in one of those smiley face shirts, you deserve whatever you get because everybody hates those things. Unless you're wearing it ironically, in which case you probably deserve to be visited by hillbillies, ala Deliverance. (Wow, that was bitter. I didn't know until I typed this how much pent up aggression I have toward ironic shirts.)

This cartoon about light reading is a bit of nonsense with no particular message. Unless it would be that if you find yourself bored enough to read the ends of light bulbs over and over, it's probably time to quit your job, leave your wife, and go on a violent odyssey of some sort, ala Going Native, by Stephen Wright. (One of my favorite books, but not written by the Steven Wright who is a stand-up comedian and not funny.)

As long as we're discussing my damaged psyche , let's take a quick visit to Sigmund's Couch. I quite like this old cartoon from 1997, written and drawn two years after my divorce and the most therapy-intensive period of my life. Notice you can read "ID" on the sign above the door to rhyme with "bid," which is a Freudian term! Hahahahahahah! Also notice that back then I was often drawing the cartoon outside the borders. I did it because I liked it, I stopped doing it for reasons unknown. Probably laziness.

Let's hear it from all those readers who have enjoyed psychotherapy at some point in their lives. I only go when I'm really troubled, but I have to admit I love it. Something so soothing about talking about myself for 45 minutes without fear of interruption.

If you'd like to see these cartoons on various fine tidbits of merchandise, just click the 'toon. It's fun and painless!

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Hate Humor?

2011-02-02T08:40:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Elephant Boy.

It's been hate mail week here at Bizarro International Headquarters. I got a few letters on each of the first two comics posted here.

Several people thought that the Elephant Snowman cartoon was insensitive to people suffering from deformities and found it incomprehensible that I made fun of them in this way. I politely explained that I was not making fun of deformities, but simply finding a funny way to lampoon a famous line from a movie, David Lynch's The Elephant Man. It was suggested in strong terms that I apologize to all of the people who suffer from so-called "Elephantitis" (Proteus syndrome) and after a little research I found that there are about 100 such people living in the world today. If any of them are readers of Bizarro, I hope they understood the cartoon the way it was intended. I'm kind of guessing there aren't any but you can never be too careful.

A side note: I did not receive complaints on either of these two cartoons on the same subject. One. The other.

I thought the hate mail fest was over, but then I got a couple of letters about this spoof of the La-Z-Boy recliner. Apparently people who are related to people suffering from mental disorders, like schizophrenia, object to the term "crazy." That makes sense, I suppose, but I would contend that this is not a joke that perpetuates the poor treatment of those with mental illnesses, it's just a silly pun on "lazy". As with the PC language movement in general, I don't believe changing what people call people does much to change the way they react to them. I think it's a chicken-or-the-egg situation: the term "negro" was polite until bigots used it with enough frequency that it became a slur. "Black" wasn't derogatory when African-Americans chose it for themselves in the 1960s, it became derogatory because it has been standard for decades and bigotry is still common. Eventually, "African-American" will be thought of as derogatory as well. Etc., etc., and on and on. A large percentage of us are jerks, no matter what language we are taught to use.

For the record, I'm not a jerk. I don't knowingly discriminate against people for things that are beyond their control like appearance, ethnicity, mental or physical disabilities, sexual orientation, height, etc. I often discriminate against people for their beliefs and behavior, however. I'm a discriminating discriminator.

Looking for a smooth segue? How could you ask for a smoother one than from that last discussion to this cartoon about gay horses? I'm so glad that our government has finally joined the 21st century and repealed the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. If someone is willing to wield a gun to defend me I don't give a damn what turns them on. Of course, it won't end discrimination, but it's a baby step in the right direction.

In summary:
I apologize to victims of Proteus syndrome if my joke bothered you.
I apologize to the mentally impaired and their loved ones if my joke bothered them.
I'm a bigot toward bigots and I don't apologize.
And while I'm at it, it occurs to me that this post wasn't very funny so I apologize for that, too.

So very, very sorry for so, so much.

If you'd like to peruse many fine products with the above cartoons emblazoned thereupon, click the cartoon.

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San Fran Comedy

2011-02-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine and a damn funny/smart comedian, Brian Malow, is doing a show at the San Francisco Punch Line next week, you should go see it if you're in the area. He kills, as they say in the business.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Punch Line Comedy Club, San Francisco
Tickets can be got here for less than the cost of a cheap Halloween wig.

Kindergarten Lesson

2011-01-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

A brilliant, funny, short article by Bill Maher can be found by clicking this link.

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Wind Spitting

2011-01-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

(To see these cartoons bigger, click them. To find this McDonalds cartoon on fine merch, click here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Childhood Dreams.

Today we have two cartoons about clowns. One from now and one from 1997.

I'm one of those people who think that clowns are creepy as hell. I've never found graphic representations or photos of clowns creepy, just the live version, the person dressed like a psycho getting in your face and trying to make you laugh. Even as a child I instinctively did not trust people in costumes. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, clowns, you name it. I couldn't help but think that if they meant me no harm they would not be concealing their identity. It's as simple as that.

Ronald McDonald is perhaps the most malevolent clown of all. The fact that the sort of worldwide cruelty and destruction that the McDonald's corporation is responsible for is represented by a clown is like something from a horror movie. They guy owns thousands of things called slaughter houses, for one thing. "Slaughter" isn't a funny word. I wont' go into a lot of detail, but the animal cruelty, environmental destruction and international health crises that are wrought by cheap hamburgers and chicken parts is a holocaust. I know it's the way the world works and it will not likely ever change, I'm just saying it sends chills down my spine.

I drew the McDonalds cartoon shortly after CHNW and I spent the night in an emergency room when she was hit by a NYC cab. Hospital ERs are not fun to draw because they are either incredibly spare and dull, like the doorway I've drawn here, or incredibly complex, like the rest of the rooms full of gadgets and equipment. It's a no-win for an artist.

"Fopah the Clown" is a weird little story about politically correct language. I don't remember why I wrote it or what I was thinking, but I've never been a fan of PC language in general. After seeing it evolve over the past 30+ years, I think it is a great way to act like we're doing something to end discrimination without really doing anything. Seems to be little more than lip service.

I could be wrong and probably am. I'm just one man spitting into the wind on a blog, as usual. Please come back and watch me spit some more next week.

Hope the rest of your weekend is like this.

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Tsar Stars

2011-01-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tsars.

I've been away from the blog for a few days, I hope you missed me. I missed you in a way that can only be described as "sort of, in an abstract way."

The reason I've been missing this week was because my good friend and colleague, Wayno, was visiting from his hometown of Chugfuggit, Tennessee. We worked together, ate together, drank together, showered together (but in different bathrooms) for three days and right about now he's back in his cabin in the hills and his wife is trying to get the cigar smell out of his clothing. Hahaha. Good luck, Tiffany Chrystal.

I think most people these days spell the word, "czar," but "tsar" is perfectly acceptable and maybe older. I don't really know, but it worked better for this gag because it is a rearrangement of the word "star". I like a reality show where the losers are killed onstage. That's how I roll.

The "seeing-eye man" is a fun gag about a blind dog. Some dogs are actually blind, I used to have one myself, so I'm surprised I didn't get some hate mail from readers who found it insensitive. I have gotten a fair amount of hate mail in the past few days over a couple of other comics, which I will be sharing with you in a post in the very near future.

I got no hate mail about this last cartoon, either. I guess nobody feels sorry for museum busts, like this one of Michael Jackson. That, in itself, makes me feel sorry for them and now I'm sorry I ever did this cartoon. My sincere apologies to any and all busts who read Bizarro. I have betrayed you and I regret it. Please excuse my poor judgment, it won't happen again.

More tomorrow. We've been dumped on by a few thousand tons of snow here in Brooklyn, again. Bizarro International Headquarters is still digging its way out.

To find many fine products with these cartoons on them, just click the cartoon!

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Spider Person

2011-01-25T07:40:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Heavy Traffic.

I've never held a tarantula, but I used to see them in the wild every now and then when I lived in Oklahoma and Texas. The first time I ever saw one was in 1963 when my dad came home from the golf course with one in a paper bag. He and his golfing buddies had seen it on the course and coaxed it into a small paper bag, like the kind they give you when you buy a pack of gum. (Dad had no idea at the time that they could jump many feet into the air.) He brought it home, called the kids out into the front yard and let it go. My sisters screamed, I thought it was the coolest thing in the world and wanted to keep it. Apparently we were a typical American family right off of a sit-com from the period, except that we didn't have a black maid. No idea what happened to the tarantula after that, my memory isn't what it used to be. (cough, cough, wheeze, creak)

I'm not all that happy with the bulldog-man's line here but it was the best I could come up with when I drew it. Now I think, "What's your tarantula's name?" would have been funnier.

Here's a guy who only wants to be awakened for food, thus assuring him a long nap. They don't serve food on airplanes anymore, unless the flight is overseas (and even then you may not be willing to call what they serve "food") or if you're up front in Snooty Class. I'd like to suggest that right now, all of us who are relegated to flying coach send out very bad vibes to everyone who flies First Class. Just take a moment to close your eyes and hate them and wish them ill fortune. It won't bother them in the least and they'll never even know we did it, but it might make us feel better.

I admit that there have been a ton of eye doctor jokes with funny messages in the eye chart. I've done a few myself. But something about this one made me feel it was different enough to warrant dusting off the motif again so here it is. All he wants is a laugh. Let's give him one now, shall we? Just throw your head back and laugh like a psychotic sausage vendor.

Now, don't you feel better?

By the way, to buy these cartoons on products, just click the cartoon!!!

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Electric Jesus

2011-01-25T07:05:00.000-08:00

For a larger view, click the image.

I had a special request from a beloved reader for this cartoon, so here it is. It's never been published in the U.S. but appeared in some Scandinavian magazines with Bizarro a few years back. Some people find it crass, but it is merely an observation. If Jesus of Nazareth had died in an electric chair, millions of you readers would be wearing tiny gold chair earrings right now.

Hope you enjoy, another post and more cartoons to come later today.

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Punny

2011-01-23T05:52:00.000-08:00

(To see this cartoon in all its large, detailed glory, click the caveman's over-hanging brow.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Reader Appreciation.

Here is number 12 in my occasional series of "Sunday Punnies." If you missed the first 11, click here.

The deal is that readers send me their puns and I use some of them for these kinds of cartoons. If you've got a pun that you think might be good, post it in the comments section of this blog or email it to me. My email address can be found on Bizarro.com. Please don't abuse it, its feelings get hurt rather easily.

Rules and notable things:
1. You get no compensation other than the delirious thrill of seeing your idea in the funnies.
2. Tell me what name you want me to sign it with if I pick your pun.
3. It has to be original. Don't be sending me no dang thang you heard at the beauty parlor or on the Interwebs.
4. I will not post the puns that people leave in the comments section, so don't expect to see them listed there and don't be afraid to leave me your name or email or whatever. I'm good at keeping secrets.
5. If you are Joe Flacco, don't bother leaving a pun, I won't use it. You and your Baltimore Ravens knocked the Kansas City Chiefs out of the playoffs and upset my dad.

That's about it. Any time you have a couple minutes to spare and want to LOL outloud, I hope you'll drop by this blog. I post 3 or 4 times a week and feature new cartoons, old ones, odd videos, funny pictures of me and my clan, and peculiar musings from the inner recesses of my brain goo. Thanks for stopping by.

To see some of the past Sunday Punnies, click here. For real this time.

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Thoughts

2011-01-21T08:29:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Free Thinkers.

I've been remiss in my posting this week so here's a batch of cartoons to catch us up. Do we have to discuss them all in detail? I'm not convinced we do.

The fly cartoon that kicks off today's show was very popular with readers according to emails and comments I've received. What can we deduce from this? That my readers are into poop jokes. It makes a cartoonist proud.

Here's a very weird and slightly disturbing cartoon about a pregnant woman. What does it mean? Why does her uterus have a voice mail system? I'd be happy to tell you if I knew.

As a result of many emails from various folks, I do know that this cartoon about a seeing-eye dog for the colorblind is funny albeit totally impossible. Dogs don't see color the way humans do so they would be pretty useless at this task. That's just one of the many reasons this is a cartoon and not an illustration in a medical textbook. Don't take these things so seriously, kids.

Static electricity is always funny, especially when it has to do with embarrassing undergarments. Enough said.

Years ago I had an obese doctor who smoked in the office between seeing patients. You could see him down the hall in his office puffing away. I always thought it was funny. You don't have to actually practice good advice to give it. That's the lesson I hope you take away from this cartoon.

Not that my cartoons are about teaching, they're not. In fact, don't follow any advice I give in a cartoon, I don't want to be responsible for your life. If you can read a cartoon, you have a brain. Learn to use it responsibly and things will go better for you. Most of my readers are already independent thinkers so I realize I'm preaching to the choir. I'm just talking to that one guy somewhere who is taping my cartoons to his walls every day, studying them, trying to spot patterns and messages, devising a path by which to live his life, running a piece of red yarn from one pushpin to another creating a giant mess that will later mystify detectives when they are investigating his gruesome crimes. Yes, you know who you are. Stop it.
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Conway

2011-01-21T08:12:00.000-08:00

A classic comedy sketch from a true genius, Tim Conway.

Pooh Talk

2011-01-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

(For a big, whopping view of this cartoon, click on Pooh's honey pot.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Human Heart.

I don't normally post my Sunday cartoons until later in the week, but this one was so popular that I decided to chuck it up on the Interwebs a bit sooner. This was a collaborative effort between my buddy, Cliff, and I . He suggested the pun, "Edgar Allan Pooh," and I came up with a way to portray it.

My chosen vehicle, of course, is from Edgar Allan Poe's story, The Tell-Tale Heart, in which the narrator kills his roommate because his gooey eye creeps him out and buries him beneath the floorboards of his house. When the cops come over to chat with him about the disappearance of his roomie, he arrogantly invites them in to sit down just above the hidden body, believing he is so clever he can never be caught. He clearly had not seen a single episode of CSI, where they can catch you because you left behind a mite from your eyelash. (Sidenote: If his roommate had been CSI's David Caruso, I could totally understand his behavior. That guy creeps me out more than a hairy, talking mole.)

SPOILER: Anyway, he starts to go nuts (like he wasn't already) and thinks he hears the corpse's heart beating beneath the floor. He thinks the cops can hear it, too, and confesses. I've often wondered how he could think he was so clever in hiding his crime when the thing would begin to stink to high heaven in a day or so but whatever.

The truth is that something very similar to this cartoon actually happened in A. A. Milne's original manuscript for The House at Pooh Corner in 1928. Pooh was quite naturally creeped out by Eeyore's nailed-on tail and becomes obsessed with it. In a fit of hyperactivity brought on by a weekend honey binge, Pooh caves in Eeyore's head with the honey jar and buries him beneath the floorboards.

Believing this would damage the book's "cute quotient," editors removed this episode from the final book.

Video Fun

2011-01-18T13:02:00.001-08:00

I'll post a regular entry tomorrow, but for today I wanted to share this video which gave me a big chuckle.

Big

2011-01-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Fairy Tales.

My weekend post is late, I'm sorry for the three or four of you who wait for these things. For the rest of you who just happen by now and then, ignore everything up to this point.

It is well documented on this blog how I feel about reality TV. I don't just think it is awful, I think it is ruining the world in the way that Baptists thought rock and roll was ruining the world in the 50s and Sarah Palin thinks that intellect and reason are ruining the world today.

But as they say in Brooklyn, whatayagonnado? As long as humans run the world we can expect a never-ending wave a classy quality.

Here's a little cartoon about a couple of mosquitoes. I'd like to apologize to my readers whose lives really do suck and this cartoon was but another painful reminder. You see, to a mosquito, sucking is a good thing. Whether you like or dislike this cartoon, take it up with my bodyguard, Big Rey, who thought it up. I didn't want to print it, but I hate to see a grown man cry. Especially one who has grown to the size of Big Rey and is wearing a shoulder holster. It's heartbreaking.

Now we come to my version of a famous fairy tale. I enjoy the visual and the gag well enough, but what really strikes me is the sexual undertones. If that's the old woman who lived in the shoe with so many children she didn't know what to do, and that's their father and he's 8-stories tall, how did they manage to...? You know.

To make this lurid illustration larger, click Lover Boy's little toe.

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Dancing

2011-01-14T08:16:00.000-08:00

I am a huge fan of Tom the Dancing Bug and no fan of political correctness, so it seems fitting that I share this week's brilliant TDB with you. Click the image for greater enlargingmentation.

To read the TDB blog, click the offensive word in this sentence: Sometimes I enjoy a cracker with my soup.

Confusion

2011-01-13T10:37:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Nothing.

I got a couple of comments from readers who didn't quite get this headache gag. While I fully understand how a person might not understand it, I'm not sure how to explain it. I think it is one of those oddball gags that you either find amusing or you don't. There is no secret to it that you're not seeing, it's just that this guy has a headache and his wife and dog are part of the equation. If you're still out to sea, get married, sit around with your spouse for 10 or 20 years then look at the cartoon again.*

I'd like to say this about the "Backwards Caps" cartoon: I hate backwards caps. Yes, perhaps "hate" is a strong word for how one could feel about a particular fashion, you're right. Okay, I think it is dumb. A baseball cap is designed with a bill to protect your eyes from the sun, not the back of your neck. It's the entire point of its existence. It is like wearing shoes on your hands. However, if you were the only person to wear it backwards, then you're probably just quirky and individual and I admire that. But if you started doing it just because everyone else is, you're just being a sheep. If, on the other hand, you feel confident that you like the way it looks independently and you'd wear it that way even if you had never seen anyone else in the world do it and tourists were asking to take a picture with you because you looked so silly, then it would be wrong for you NOT to wear it backwards just because it was a fad. And if you find that you're just more comfortable looking the same as everyone else, own it, girl, and don't change a thing. There is also no reason in the world why you should care about what I think of your hat stylings.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was wearing what I call "old man hats" a few years before they caught on with youngsters and now they have become a symbol of shallow hipsterism. But I refuse to give it up because I liked them before they became a fad and I still like them. Again, no reason at all you should care.

I hope this has been sufficiently confusing so that you now don't know what the hell to do with your baseball cap. Life is like that and we've all learned a valuable lesson.

And here, to round out our confusion, is a cartoon from 1997 that even I don't understand. I have no idea why it occurred to me or why I thought it was funny but it did and I did and I still do. Figure this one out for yourself, you're on your own.

*I'd like to mention that this cartoon in no way reflects my own marriage to CHNW. We have a ball virtually every day and she gets more adorable and interesting year by year.**

** Yes, she is a regular reader of this blog.

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Prepared

2011-01-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Preparedness.

If your head and eyes are not frozen solid in a single position, move them just an inch or so to the left and see the cartoon there. This will increase your understanding of my next sentence. People liked it.

Sometimes simple ideas work best and this one is a perfect example. I got lots of emails from readers who really liked the "interest-free checking" cartoon. It was the result of a collaboration with my buddy, Andy Cowan, who is a former writer for "Seinfeld". (He was responsible for their most famous episode, in which Kramer is elected Supreme Dictator for Life of all of North and South America, then has the rest of the cast executed. Rent it if you haven't seen it.)

Our next offering today is in the field of locomotive laziness. I think we can agree that the Segway scooter is an odd invention. On a scientific level, it represents an amazing breakthrough in gyroscopic technology as regards ambulation without moving your legs. God forbid we should burn one calorie more than is necessary, that would be unAmerican. But, like trans-gender immigrants, it has had trouble fitting into American society. Segways are not powerful or safe enough to be in traffic and most communities consider them too dangerous to allow on sidewalks, so they're pretty much confined to open fields and empty parking lots.

People with absolutely no sense of vanity occasionally use them for security purposes at malls or airports, but what was once predicted to be the biggest thing since indoor plumbing has mostly become an expensive novelty. I have no compunction about looking ridiculous, so I ride these things any time I can hijack one. I don't own one, of course, but they're fun to buzz around on when you can get hold of one. I kind of feel sorry for them, like trans-gender immigrants.

For some reason, the Interest-Free Checking gag reminded me of an old favorite of mine from 1997, so here it is. Again, I like the simplicity of it. I hope you do, too.

We're expecting another big snow storm tomorrow, so I've got to get to the gun store today and stock up on weapons and ammo in case there is a run on supplies at the corner food shop. Good Americans can never be too prepared.

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Zombie Fools Day

2011-01-08T07:39:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by a 20% Chance of Snow Flurries.
What better day to talk about April 1, 1997 than January 8, 2011? Mankind may never know, so let's talk about it today.

Somebody in the National Cartoonists Society decided back in late '96 that it would be fun to get all the syndicated cartoonists to switch strips on April Fool's Day, '97 and not tell anyone, as a joke on readers everywhere. Not all of the artists cooperated, of course, but plenty did and the funny pages everywhere were full of comics drawn by the wrong person that day. You can imagine the laughter, knee slapping, and dumbfounded drooling that ensued all across North America. (Neither can I, but play along.) The way it worked is that each participating artist was assigned another feature to draw and their own feature was assigned to someone else. None of these were direct swaps.

Here are the two results I was involved in (click the pics for a larger view.) I was asked to draw Greg Evan's strip, "Luann," and Bill Griffith of "Zippy" was asked to draw Bizarro. If you're interested in seeing more of these legendary swaps, go here: April Fools Cartoons 1997.

Next, Let's talk about last Sunday's wide-screen, technicolor, panoramic Bizarro comic. Because I'm a semi-public figure, I am connected to a lot of people on Facebook. So I get about eleventy dozen requests a day to sign onto some kind of cause or page that aims to end a crisis or petition to ask someone to stop doing something or start doing something or think about what they're doing. It's mind boggling. And my mind already has a tendency toward bogglation. I could be wrong but I can't imagine a Facebook page ever solved anything other than getting Betty White to host SNL. So this cartoon is the result of the boggling caused by the godzillian FB requests I get everyday. You can't fight Zombies with Facebook: words to live by.

(again, click the cartoon below for a view that achieves largerness)

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Lessons for 2011

2011-01-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Save The Date.

This is my first post of the new year, 2011, unless you count the two posts I did on January 2nd, which could technically qualify as posts in the new year if you want to get all literal about it. One of those, entitled "Plans for 2011" was one of my better efforts, I think, so if you haven't read that yet, please do. I hope, with all humility, that it makes you smile. Or at least twitch in a positive way, no worse off than you were before you began.

Today's offerings are lessons for us all in the new year. In the first cartoon, we see a gentlemen mistaking a dog which has been trained to assist the disabled for a common waiter. Shame on him. The day after this cartoon appeared in papers, I received an email from a person whose living is assisted by a service dog, wishing to place shame on me for drawing this cartoon. Let this be a lesson to us all in the new year: never do anything that might be misinterpreted by anyone on earth.

Our next cartoon is about smart rodents and smart phones. Because of the size relationship between the two, a mouse or rat could use a smart phone as a big screen TV. Like the one your brother-in-law has so he can watch those crappy reality shows he and his ugly wife are hooked on. Like you really need to see Kim Kardashian's butt LARGER than actual size. But our clever little rats have chosen a classic Mickey Mouse cartoon. Good for them. Let this be a lesson to us all: I hate the fact that I even know who Kim Kardashian is. What is wrong with America?

This doctor cartoon is silly. It is a play off the expression, "Money doesn't grow on trees." If you are reading this and saying to yourself, "I have never heard this term, wtf does it mean?" you are likely from another country. That's fine, we like foreign readers here at Bizarro Headquarters. The term is used for situations in which a person is wasting something. If your stupid brother-in-law with the ugly wife buys a new pair of shoes every week and throws the old ones in the trash, his wife might say, "Hey, Rick. Money doesn't grow on trees." Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't say this to your husband if he is a foreigner.

If you would like to see the cartoon I published on New Year's Eve, just look to your left right now. I have used a bit of an Escher-like trick here in turning the pub sideways, to indicate that the gentleman on the street has had too much to drink. Like all teenagers (and anyone of any age who enjoys marijuana), I really love M.C. Escher's work . I have done a number of cartoons based on him and have found that while publishing a cartoon about Escher is considered legal satire, the Escher family is really tight-fisted about letting you use them for anything else. Like if you put one on a T-shirt for sale, they'll sue you.

This last cartoon is one I did in 1997, which I believe would make M.C. himself twitch appreciatively. But don't expect to get it on a T-shirt. The Escher family doesn't want to share even a few hundred of the millions of dollars they have made on their relative's talent. Let this be a lesson to us all: Be born with a talented relative who will leave you his estate so you never have to do any work other than stopping other people from using their talents to comment on him.

That's all the lessons for today. I hope your 2011 is full of rapturous and indescribable joy and prosperity the likes of which no mere mortal has every experienced and lived to tell the tale.

And don't forget to save the date, of course. You'd hate to be out of town at some boring seminar for work on a day like this.

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Plans for 2011

2011-01-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

(Why don't you click this cartoon and make it larger. Are ya chicken?)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Vintage Eyewear.

Welcome to 2011, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and undecided. It's going to be a fabulous, futuristic year, I can just tell. How do I know? Well, for one thing, 363/365ths of the year is still in the future. What does that tell you?

I'm not one to make new year's resolutions because I drink so heavily that by January 3rd I can never remember what it was that I was going to resolve to do, but here are some things I am looking forward to doing in 2011. I hope you'll join me.

1. Learn to fly. I'm not talking about in a plane –– who can afford all those costly lessons and the big metal machine itself? Not a middle-rate cartoonist like me, I assure you. So I'm going to learn to fly using my mind. Scientists estimate that the average person uses only 10% of his brain. I'm pretty sure I used that much just trying figure out how to set up my Facebook page, but that means I've got 90% of it left to dedicate to flying. I'm going to start working on it tomorrow, which means I'll have to dress pretty warmly.

2. Write, produce, direct and star in an Academy Award winning film. This is something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid. I'm not getting any younger, so this is my year. If you're a member of the academy, please vote for me next December or whenever it is that that happens.

3. Invent teleportation. I think this could be big. For years, people have been complaining about how crappy the airlines have gotten, well wouldn't it be cool if we didn't need them at all? We could just push a little pocket remote or something and appear wherever we wanted to like magic? I think it would really catch on. Of course, those of us who have learned to fly with our mind might still take that option from time to time if the weather is nice and we want to see the sights.

4. Clean my motorcycle. I ride my motorcycle all the time in good weather and I kind of neglected keeping it clean and shiny last year. I'm going to keep up with that in 2011.

5. Change some football rules. I like to tape football games (college and NFL) and play them back while I'm inking and coloring cartoons. It's mindless entertainment, something I don't really have to watch all the time, I can just look up when I hear the announcers getting excited. But some of the rules need changing. One is that if you act too much like an orangutan, you get thrown out of the game and can never play again. I don't like it when somebody makes a good tackle or scores a touchdown, then beats his chest and bares his teeth and stomps around like King Kong. It's just not good sportsmanship. I say, let your skills do the talking and skip the drama. This new rule will put an end to that.
Another is that if a referee makes a bad call and they don't reverse it after I see the slow motion replay, they get fined. While I'm at it, I'll make it so the money they pay comes to me.

I think that's all I am planning for the new year but it is after noon so I'm pretty drunk, so who knows, I may be forgetting something. If you've made resolutions for the new year, make sure it isn't to join a gym and get in shape, because statistics show that the gym will be super crowded by people like you for the first couple of months, then you and everyone else will stop going but you'll have to send money to the gym every month for a long time. That's their secret business plan. For the rest of the year you'll not only hate yourself for being out of shape, but also for being $? a month poorer. A better way to stay in shape is to steal someone's purse three times a week. It encourages you to run like hell and you'll make a few bucks each time.

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Four for Fun

2010-12-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ghostbusters, 33 A.D.

What are your plans for New Year's Eve? My plans include food, drink and my sofa. Leaving the house on NYE in NYC is as attractive to me as trying to tie a bonnet on the head of a wild gorilla. It might make for some good pictures but it isn't worth the risk.

Here are four cartoons from last week's Bizarros as they appeared in newspapers. I got a few emails from readers who enjoyed the "outside the box" gag, but none from anyone who objected to it. When I do funeral gags, I often get mail from someone who had recently attended a funeral and that consequently found my cartoon a painful reminder. I sympathize, but dark humor always carries that risk and I believe that laughing at tragedy is a valuable part of the human psyche, so I soldier on.

My editors and I worried that I might get some negative feedback from the "Family Outing" cartoon, especially since it ran right before Christmas. Most of my readers enjoy this kind of irreverence but some are offended by anything that might cause them to have to explain something to their children that they find uncomfortable. (If you are one of these kinds of parents, drop me an email, I'd be happy to tell you how to deal with these things. The technique is called "The Simple Truth," and you'd be surprised how easy it is and how well it works.)

Still others are only sensitive about controversial issues during holidays, which mystifies me beyond my comprehension. I could go crazy trying to predict all of those points of view so I just print the ones I think are funny when I think of them and put on my comedy helmet to deflect the potential poo storm.

"Check/Background Check" is a dating gag. Nothing new to report about this one except that it is a good idea to run a background check on anyone you intend to date more than once. Especially my cousin Keith, who is a complete tool and will destroy your credit, ladies.

My "Gettysburg Tweet" cartoon got lots of positive response and I am grateful, for I, too, really like it. One reader told me I got the quote wrong, however. Apparently the correct verbage is "fathers," not "forefathers." Before I drew this one, I looked it up to get it right but then threw "forefathers" into it somehow. Maybe my brain was regurgitating part of one of the Tea Baggers favorite catch phrases. Or maybe I just slept through my 7th grade history classes too often. At the time, I couldn't imagine why a big famous rock star was going to need that info so I just blew it off.

Let this be a lesson to you kids in school: you'll probably never succeed at anything, certainly not at what you think you will, so study hard in school so you won't be both a failure and an idiot. You'll thank me later for this advice.

Until next time, enjoy your day, study hard, and if you learn nothing else in this life, learn to recognize sarcasm.

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Holiday Gone

2010-12-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

(click the image for LARGERNESS)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Glad It's Over.

I had a dandy holiday weekend, hope you did too. CHNW and I went up to Woodstock Farm Animal Sanctuary to hang out with a small group of our best friends, ate, drank, napped, hiked, watched movies, regretted having eaten and drank so much, then ate and drank more. On the way home on Sunday, we were nearly trapped in the blizzard that hit the Northeast Coast and only barely made it home.

Thinking back to Hurricane Katrina and the number of wingnuts who claimed that god hit New Orleans with that storm to punish the gays, I can't help but believe that this year god chose to hit one of the most populated areas in the world on one of the busiest travel days of the year to punish those of us who celebrate Christmas. Following that logic, I'd have to say that it is not a Christian god that is in charge of weather. Where are the wingnuts now?

The cartoon above has three puns donated by readers. If you think you've got an original pun that might work nicely in a future Bizarro Sunday Punnies, leave it in the comments section of one of my posts. I don't publish these suggestions, whether good or bad, so don't be alarmed if you don't see your suggestion in the comments section later.

Semi-interesting note about the cartoon above: I send in each cartoon in several different sizes and formats for the various uses that my various clients use variously. In one of them, the one used for the Interwebs, I mistakenly put "Lone" Ranger, instead of the punnier, "Loan". So if you saw the one that says "Lone Ranger" on the web somewhere, that's why. I told you it was only semi-interesting.

Got to get back to removing snow from my various orifices. Hope to be seen by you here tomorrow!

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Cartoon Festivus

2010-12-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by The True Meaning of Christmas.

In case you're at home this weekend surfing the net and ignoring the holidays, here are some cartoons to help. Or, if you're completely engrossed in the holiday jamboree, are dressed like a flying reindeer, find yourself between two rounds of caroling and decided to check your favorite blog (why, thank you!) here are some cartoons to entertain your head. Or, if you're sitting in the jungle somewhere surfing the net on some magical device that needs no electricity and have no idea what holidays I'm even talking about, here are some cartoons for whatever reason makes sense in your freakish world. Let's get on with it.

1. Larry is limber and this means nothing at all but I just think it is a very funny, deadpan joke. My wife is very limber (lechers are thinking, "lucky you! woof! woof!") and sometimes does this exact stretching move while we're watching TV at night. I don't mind that, of course, but occasionally she'll do it on a commercial flight and even though I know I shouldn't, I get embarrassed. She has other painful-looking stretching behavior as well, the strangest of which is one wherein she swallows her own foot and leg, poops it out and balances on it as it sticks out of her butt. She says it's a "great stretch."

2. Do you like odd coincidences? Well, I sure do! I wrote this cartoon as sort of a follow-up to a cartoon I did about a "Mothman" super hero back in October. In this case, the insectarian super hero will be called on to eat a sweater that is smothering the city. (When you have stopped laughing, dry your eyes and move on to the coincidental part.) Here's the coincidental part: I wrote this most recent Moth Man cartoon in mid-November, drew it and sent it in to be published on December 15, which just happened to be the next day on my schedule. No other reason that that. Around December 1st, a couple of weeks after I drew this and a couple of weeks before it appeared in papers, I saw a movie called "The Mothman Prophecies." I'd never heard of it before, but it is about a legend that has grown around a fatal bridge collapse in West Virginia back in the 1960s. It had nothing to do with my cartoon but was sort of a fun movie and I didn't think anything about it. On December 16, the day after this cartoon appeared in papers, a woman wrote to me and said her husband lived in that small town in WV when the tragedy happened and he got a kick out of my cartoon appearing in the papers on the anniversary of the bridge collapse! WHAT?! Mothman lives!

Side note, I totally missed the point that cardigan sweaters button up the front. My bad. I think I meant to say Dr. Argyle.

3. Here is another gag by my friend Cliff. He's funny. How does someone in 3 B.C. know that Jesus will be born in 3 years? And I'll bet they didn't even have cartons of milk then. The whole thing is just ridiculous.

4. But wait! Here is another cartoon about expiration dates. What in tarnation? If it were possible for you to know the date of your death, would you want that knowledge? I'm on the fence about it. It would help immensely in planning your finances and career moves and you could engage in all kinds of dangerous behavior with the confidence that it wouldn't kill you. On the other hand, it would loom over you like a damp yak dangling by a thread. No matter what you did, you would never lose sight of that date approaching and even if you could forget it from time to time, you'd still be able to smell it. Hmmm.

5. For those of you sitting in a jungle unaware of the holidays much of the world is celebrating this week (see first paragraph) the term "seats in the nosebleed section" refer to seats in a huge arena or stadium, way up near the top at the back. The idea is that you are so high up, the altitude will make your nose bleed. Well here are nosebleed seats of a different sort! Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Hope everyone has a smooth and salubrious holiday weekend. I'm off to Woodstock Sanctuary to hang with my peeps.

NY Giants

2010-12-21T10:58:00.001-08:00

I'm a sports fan, though not fanatically so. I was writing to a friend of mine about the hideous loss by the NY Giants yesterday, a game which they led by a score of 21-3 at halftime. I thought some of you might enjoy it. You will find it funnier if you have a good understanding of football, but others might enjoy it, too. Let's begin.

Eric,
I watched the Giants/Eagles game yesterday and was severely injured. The onslaught of utter idiocy by several members of the NY Giants football club in the second half was more than I could bear. I closed my eyes, covered my head, crawled underneath a heavy piece of furniture, held my nose. But still, the tempest was too great and my entire body was crushed by the debris that was their 2nd half performance. Even with my nose pinched closed, it filled my lungs. Now I have Stupid Lung Disease.

When I watch pro football, I often find myself exclaiming, "How can you be so stupid as to jump offsides on 4th and four? Shouldn't you KNOW by now that that's what the other team is counting on? They are NOT going to hike the ball. They're going to wait until time runs out, take the penalty and punt. Just relax, wait for 15 seconds, doze off if you like, the whistles will wake you. Or, if these concepts are too abstract for you, look at that ball that is right in front of you. Don't move unless it does."

Or sometimes I say, "How did you get this far in the NFL and not know that the people wearing costumes different than yours are going to try to take that ball out of your hand? They aren't chasing you because they like your cologne, it's the ball you're holding loosely, away from your body. If you want to save your body a lot of wear and tear, just hand it to them. But if you, like them, want to keep the ball, you should consider holding it snugly, perhaps with both hands."

And I frequently say something like, "The whole reason those big numbers are on the front and back of everyone's blouse is so participants can be identified. See that number? That belongs to their best receiver. You, or someone dressed like you, will want to stay close to that person in case the ball comes near them. It's the ball you're after, remember?"

And when the Giants play the Philadelphia Eagles I often find myself exclaiming to the people in blue on my screen, "See that guy who gets the ball first thing on every play? He can run real fast. May I suggest you put someone who can run real fast up close so they can stop him? Those huge, fat guys don't seem to be able to touch him unless he stands stock still. I doubt they could catch me either, and I'm 5', 7" and 52 years old."

So during yesterday's ass-raping defeat, I wondered why the coaches have so much trouble drilling these simple principles into their players' heads, concepts that are the sort of thing that anyone should be able to manage, athletic ability notwithstanding: Hold it tight, don't move until the ball does, don't let that one guy run around by himself. It seems so simple, but then I remember that it is professional football players they are talking to. Some of them are smart enough to understand deeper concepts than "hit anyone wearing different clothing than yours real hard," but there are always plenty on any team who couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for the coaches. Like trying to teach a dog not to bark when someone knocks on the door, or teaching a cat to purchase her own cat food online. Some of these guys are only using a small, primitive part of their brain that the rest of us have abandoned for all uses except illicit sex in an airplane toilet.

I can't help but feel sorry for the smart people on a team, but then I remember that that is why I dropped out of football in Junior High, even though I was still pretty good at it. Success depends on a team effort and there were just too many drooling idiots on the team. So I suppose smart NFL players got what they asked for by sticking with it.

I won't get started on how much money some of these neanderthal primates make. Anyone who thinks life on earth is a meritocracy is a big enough boob to play pro football.

Thanks, I feel better.
d

"This is why I don't carry a gun to games." –– Tom Coughlin, NY Giants head coach

Holiday Message

2010-12-21T10:47:00.001-08:00

For those of you who care about this sort of thing, here is a link to an essay by comedian, Ricky Gervais, about his reasons for being atheist and how he deals with it in a world that is predominately hostile towards his lack of belief. His views also happen to be mine.

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/19/a-holiday-message-from-ricky-gervais-why-im-an-atheist/

Bizarro Family Holiday Newletter

2010-12-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

The Bizarro Family Holiday Newsletter, 2010, is brought to you by Holiday Gift Ideas.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Quanza, and Happy New Year to you all! Well, it is hard to believe that another year has passed here at Bizarro Headquarters, it certainly was a full one and brought many blessings!

Going all the way back to last spring, we received the wonderful news that my eldest daughter, Krapuzar, was getting married even though she was neither pregnant nor getting ugly. Having long ago become convinced that she was a lesbian, this was a shock to the entire family. And the best news of all was that the young man she married is not an asshole in any way, shape, or form. I don't think he even has an asshole, that's how special he is! We couldn't love him more, unless he were rich.

My youngest daughter, Krelspeth, had a very blessed year, too, as she did not add a single letter or piece of punctuation to her police record. Yes, 2010 will go down in Piraro family lore as the year that her police file remained in the file drawer throughout! Great job, honey! We all love you! (If you're reading this, call us. We won't try to find you or judge anything you've done. We just want to know you're all right.)

CHNW and I are doing well, too, and have much to be thankful for this year. We finally stopped going to the marriage counselor and so we saved a lot of money! We have also found that we argue less and enjoy each other's company more since the majority of our marital strife in recent years seemed to be centered around the fact that that cow of a counselor always took CHNW's side on everything! Even when she was caught shoplifting. I mean, I think a man has a right to complain about the cost of bail and legal representation when his wife is arrested for attempting to steal a pregnancy test, which she could easily have afforded! Don't you? Especially when that man got a vasectomy 7 years ago, so she couldn't possibly be pregnant in the first place. Give me a break.

I also received news from afar that was quite a surprise. Apparently I have a son that I never knew about and whose mother I don't even remember. He lives in a part of far northern Canada that can only be reached by dogsled and is very dangerous to even attempt to get to, and it only costs him $500 a month to live there. That's pretty cheap considering it includes food, utilities, housing and transportation! I'm sending it to him until he gets on his feet, one of which was nearly gnawed off by a polar bear he startled late one evening while taking out the trash. I feel really blessed by this new relationship, not only because he is a terrific young man, but because he could easily have lived somewhere like Paris and needed way more money every month. I mean, when I was traveling in Paris in my early years, I got lucky WAY more often than when I was in Canada. Which, to be honest, I don't remember ever visiting.

Career-wise, Bizarro has had a terrific year, too. To date, I have made over $61 from the ads on my blog, which thousands of people read every day for free. Forget about the PayPal Donation button just to the right of this post, just knowing that my copious efforts give you an occasional smile is payment enough for me.

Another great feather in my cartoonist cap is that another year has passed without some big, lumbering corporate movie studio making some glitzy, multimillion dollar 3-D animated abomination of my cartoons. What could be worse than having some Hollywood blockbuster with your name all over it and then watch it in the theaters and say, "Hey, that's not what I had in mind at all. That's kind of stupid." So, I've dodged that bullet for another year, thanks for asking.

Speaking of "dodging a bullet," I was very lucky and blessed to have dodged the one fired out front of our building last October. It seems the instigator of that particular flying piece of hot lead was the girlfriend of the guy who works at the tattoo parlor on the corner. She suspected he was "fooling around" with her cousin, to whose buttocks he evidently had recently applied a "Tweety Bird" tattoo. I was on my way to the deli across the street when I heard the whole story, or her side of it at least, and the bullets began flying. One narrowly missed my left ear by the sound of the air being cleaved by it. The tattoo guy was not as blessed as I was that day, however, as she managed to blow holes through several brightly-colored carp on his chest. Now we'll never know his side of the story.

That's the update from Bizarro Headquarters this year, hope your year was as special as ours. From all of us to all of you, may the invisible super hero in the sky of your faith bless us all in the coming year!

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Rust

2010-12-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ironing Man.

A reader wrote to me and suggested a cartoon involving Iron Man's difficulty with water and this is what came of it. I'm particularly proud of the art on this one so click on the image and blow it up right big like to fully peruse it. The only thing I used reference for was Iron Man himself, the rest of it was pulled out of the gooey gray gelatin in my noggin. I get excited by being able to draw something particularly convincing right out of my head. Such is the simple life of the simple-minded artist.

It's the weekend, so this is short and sweet.

Huge Duct

2010-12-17T09:54:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Duct Tape.

I'll be honest with, I'm really fond of "Duct Tap Night." Not as an institution, but as a cartoon. I'm not fond of bars in general, the liquor is far more expensive than what I have at home, the music is typically too loud to have a conversation, and I'm not looking for a new sexual experience. It would be fun to meet a friend in a bar and catch up, but quiet bars are increasingly difficult to find and I have no desire to scream at my friends. So I tend to stay home where the drinks are cheap, the music and volume is of my own choosing, and the hot women (wife) will actually go to bed with me.

Although the idea of this comic is funny to me –– women enjoying a bar where the men can't hit on them –– it has been my experience that women usually don't go to bars except to look for mating possibilities, so the whole concept is probably erroneous. Note that I said "usually." As I typed that sentence, I had a premonition of torrents of comments from angry women saying they like to meet their girlfriends in bars and have no thoughts toward being "picked up." Okay, fine, my bad. If that's you, you'll love Duct Tape Night.

This next cartoon was drawn from personal experience. I am inordinately tall – 7' 5" – and have always had a terrible time finding clothes that fit in those Big and Tall men's shops. It could be that even at that height I am still too far out of the norm to be catered to by mass production. Or, it could be that I still have a touch of dyslexia from time to time, I am actually 5' 7", and I have no business in a Big and Tall shop in the first place. That would explain why the clothes in those shops are so baggy, come to think of it.

I'll be posting again tomorrow, but I want to be sure to remind you to check in next week when I'll be posting my holiday family newsletter; a complete rundown of all the precious and adorable moments of my family for the past 12 months. I don't send out cards or letters of any kind this time of year, so this is the only place to get it.

Snow Mysteries

2010-12-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Snow.

It's cold in NYC this week and we had a slight dusting of snow, so I thought I'd drag a few old Bizarros out of the cartoon freezer today. There is something irresistible about snowman gags to cartoonists, and these are some of my favorite gags of any kind.

We begin with this cartoon based on a true story that happened in Cheboygan, Michigan in 1983. It seems that a small group of 9-year-old boys built four snowmen on Thursday, December 15th. When they returned to the site the following day, exactly 27 years ago today, one of the snowmen had been murdered by the other three, their carrot-nose murder weapons still sticking out of the gaping wounds in his chest. By the time the police arrived, an unidentified rabbit had eaten all three of the carrots and left the scene. Authorities arrested the three suspects but they disappeared from lockup over night and have not been seen since. The rabbit, a suspected accomplice, remains at large. Snowman-on-snowman crime, however, is not uncommon and most cases go unsolved.

Our next cartoon features the growing trend among snowpeople toward cosmetic surgery. Though exact statistics are impossible to gather, experts estimate that nearly one quarter of all snowpeople in the U.S. are using elective surgery to make themselves more attractive. Snow cones are a cheap method of breast augmentation and sales of "baby carrots" are up 130% in the past ten years, presumably to achieve a more attractive nose than the traditional full size, adult carrot. Snowmen have been known to use parsnips for penis enlargement, though their proximity to the ground have led to some thefts.

Our last cartoon documents a mystery upon a mystery. Archeologists are still uncertain as to the origins of the large stone heads on Easter Island, and even more mystified by their replacement each winter with big whopping snowman heads. Government officials have declared the island off limits to tourism during these months fearing vandalism of the heads, which are notably more fragile than the stone ones. Samples of the snow are gathered by scientists each year and guarded carefully as they look for clues to its provenance. Theories of the origin of the frozen craniums range from intervention by extraterrestrials with a juvenile sense of humor to ghosts of the children of the indigenous inhabitants who erected the stone heads visible throughout the rest of the year.

If you have a strange winter mystery that you think would make an interesting cartoon, write it on a 3"x5" note card in 200 words or less and mail it to:
Santa Claus
1 North Pole
The Arctic 00001

Stay warm and thirsty, my friends.

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Prophetic Comedy

2010-12-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Xmas Celebrity Sightings.

Since we humans are so prone to superstition and mysticism, I could easily attribute the harrowing accident involving my wife and a taxi cab on December 10th to my cartoon that ran in newspapers on December 7th. It was undoubtedly an unwitting premonition, perhaps even a prophecy. I'll think twice before I use terms like "prescription for disaster" in Bizarro again. Whew!

Or, I could use the other 99.99999% of my brain and admit that not all coincidences have spiritual meaning. In fact, there's pretty much no evidence whatsoever that any of them do. Unless you choose to apply one, which I recommend you do at your own risk. History teaches us that superstition can lead to some pretty idiotic life choices. Like war.

T Rex has no superstitions, he just needs help in his cafe because he is short-handed. Get it? Short handed? What kind of damn fool dinosaur starts a cafe if he cannot even carry a tray without dropping it? And what does he do with the tables of patrons he knocks over with is mighty tail? Perhaps he just eats them. T Rexs can be like that.

My fanny pack riff got a few emails from readers with a better knowledge of anatomy than mine who informed me that the "liver pack" is on the wrong side of the man's body. What we actually have here is a "spleen pack." My bad, as surgeons up on malpractice charges frequently say.

Of course, if you want to get really picky, the "belly pack" is actually an "intestine pack." The stomach is much higher. Unless you want to be extremely liberal in your interpretation of "belly," but don't even get me started on that kind of irresponsible artistic license. Cartoons should be as factual as possible. If you can't trust the information in a cartoon, what can you trust?, I always say.

Don't forget all the life-changing Bizarro products that can be found somewhere around here. Perfect for holiday gift-giving!

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Catasrophe Update

2010-12-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have not read the account of my beloved wife, CHNW, getting hit by an anonymous Taxi last Friday night in NYC, click here to catch up on the story.

Now that you're caught up, I just wanted to say thanks to all the quadrillions of you who have left nice comments, sent Facebook messages or emails, or used the pathetically old-fashioned telephone system to wish her well. She appreciates it and is doing great.

Here now are a few pics of the healing process. Photo number one is of us in the hospital. CHNW loves to take pictures of herself looking at all ridiculous, be it from bad hair, a funny wig or hat, silly sunglasses, or after she has bounced her head off the street. So this first picture is taken by her camera and her own hands, at the height of the festival of medical bills. I popped into the pic with my extra-big-deluxe-executive lip, which I pull out of storage any time there is a worthy "poor baby" situation, for which this certainly qualified.

Picture two was taken at home the following day as she lay in her luxurious four-poster bed, ringing a tiny bell every few minutes to summon me to help her because she was "dizzy" or "weak." What a big baby. Sometimes I had to get her a glass of water, sometimes a cup of soup, which entailed my peeling the paper lid off of a cardboard container and pouring hot water into it. You can't believe how hard it is to walk into the next room with one of those things without spilling it. Meanwhile, I had to make my own breakfast, lunch and dinner for two solid days! Now I know how Civil War nurses must have felt. No thank you, Clara Barton!*

She took this picture partly because she thought that the purple of the "boxer's eye" really set off the blue of the unmolested one. I couldn't agree more, that one side of her face has never looked lovlier.

Finally, here she is as she looks today, up and around and getting her own damn soup. It's great to have her back. The cool thing about CHNW's bruising is that because she has a mechanical heart valve (from a past medical problem, not the cab), she takes a blood thinner every day. This does weird things to her bruises and the resulting kaleidoscope of colors and shapes is breathtaking. It will change many times over the next few weeks, like an over-decorated house in the suburbs of Wichita, perfect for the holiday season.

What you may not be able to fully appreciate from this picture, though, is that her eye has a distinct oval of black and purple around it, the sort you might expect a first-year movie makeup student to do on their first attempt. If I were the instructor, I'd recommend a little less makeup and a little more blending. But what's really horrific is that just today she is beginning to develop a large circle of chartreuse around it, reaching all the way down to her jaw line. In the coming days it will get even more pronounced and promises to be positively Halloweeny. I'll keep you updated.

For those of you who have recommended litigation, rest assured that we have a close friend who is a very successful personal injury lawyer and he will be leading the charge against the ironically named, TLC. (Taxi and Limousine Commission) We don't want to retire to South America, just get the med bills paid and around $80,000 for my own pain and suffering while having to play nursemaid.

*Note to those of you who do not know me personally: I'm not as big a jackass as I portray myself here. I've been taking good care of her and have not said a peep about being put out. I'm sure being a Civil War nurse was more difficult than what I've been dealing with. The amputations without anesthesia alone were probably a major buzzkill.

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Quintuple Tragedy

2010-12-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

(click the pic to make it big)

Bizarro is brought to you today by A Leisurely Drive.

Hey, I went to a holiday party last night and they had a very fun live band. But it turned out that was not the most exciting part of the evening.

Nor was the most exciting part when we left the place at midnight, hailed a cab out front of our friends' building, and my formerly lovely wife, Ashley, stuck her head into the passenger-side door window and said to the driver, "Will you take us to Brooklyn?"

The most exciting part was when the cabbie suddenly stepped on the gas (fear of Brooklyn? involuntary leg spasm?), throwing my formerly lovely wife to the street, conking her head on the pavement and knocking her unconscious.

Not being a trained crime fighter, instead of drawing my gun and shooting at the cab or simply getting the car's number, I fell to my knees and began shouting to her, asking if she was okay. She was not okay, as her bloodied and sleeping face quickly told me.

I called 911, they came quickly, tossed us into an ambulance and brought us to an emergency room at the other end of the bumpiest street in the tri-state area. With what it costs to ride in an ambulance, you'd assume that included some sort of suspension system, but you'd be wrong.

Upon entering the ER, the first thing I learned was that all of the employees are superstitious. They forced me to put my camera phone away, presumably fearing I would steal their souls. I told them I had all I could handle with my own soul and had no interest in theirs, but that reassurance seemed to fall on deaf ears.

Now in the trauma room, at first there was a lot of clothes-cutting, shouting of inane questions to get a brief test of Ashley's I.Q. –– What's your name? What day is this? Do you realize we're ruining your fancy party clothes by cutting them off because it is so much more dramatic than removing them the normal way? –– and bandying-about of medical terms like "stat", "cc", "saline," and, "Sir, put that camera away, we're not going to ask again!"

One interesting thing I found out was that you don't really have to leave the trauma room if you don't want to. I learned this after they asked me several times, rather sternly, to step outside and I simply said, "no." Instead of calling security or producing a taser, they just sort of looked disappointed and went on about their business. In their defense, however, they were being forced to ask me and this caused them fear; "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to wait outside," they said over and over. "No," I blandly stated each time and this seemed to allay their fears for a few more minutes. I was, after all, standing calmly off to the side, not scrubbing up and offering to help.

After seven hours of poking, prodding, testing, and mostly waiting on gunshot and knifing victims to be treated, they gave her a couple of stitches in her eyebrow where previously there were none and sent us home, warning her to keep her head away from speeding taxis and the pavement until it healed.

They further admonished her not to get the wound wet for 24 hours, which is a real drag because she has quite a lot of dried blood in her hair. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable for her to sleep with dried blood in her hair and I'm not downplaying that at all, but what about me? I have to sleep with a woman with a face like Rocky Balboa and dried blood in her hair. That's not something I thought I'd ever say.

CHNW is a real trooper and was happy to allow me to publish these pics of her and make a humorous post out of this otherwise unfun event.

I would like to offer two bits of advice to you, dear reader:
1. If you are in NYC, do not ask a cab driver if he will take you somewhere. Get in the cab, close the door, and tell him where he is taking you. By law, they have to do it, but if your destination is not as profitable as they'd like, they will often get away before you can get in.
2. Avoid the holidays. You're safer at home where nothing moves quickly enough to knock you down.

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Piglet Pokey

2010-12-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Magic of Ham.

Today's post features two old cartoons from the late 1900s, which I came across while searching for something else. I really like both of these cartoons because they take well-known topics and combine them in new, thought-provoking ways. Neither of them really mean anything, although they kind of seem like they might.

This is also the trick to great song lyrics. Take a song like "Losing My Religion" (or almost anything by REM) and try to figure out exactly what it means. It's relative nonsense, but you relate to it somehow and twist it into a personal meaning, almost subconsciously.

I'm not saying these cartoons take on a personal meaning for anybody, most people don't dwell on cartoons long enough, but it's fun to play with that edge. For me, that's what creativity is all about.

Even now, I'm not entirely sure what I mean by what I've just written, but it seems like it means something. I should also say that I don't eat animals anymore, I've been vegan since 2002, but at the time I wrote this Piglet cartoon the vegetarian message was not on my radar at all. It can have a hidden animal rights message if you want to apply one, but I was actually still a corpse eater when I drew it.

Regarding the Hokey Pokey Stew cartoon, I was not vegan when I wrote this cartoon, either, but was still not in the habit of eating human feet. So, no, this was not intended as an anti-cannibalism message, although you can turn it into one now if you wish. Whatever that means.

I hope you have enjoyed reading these rambling paragraphs eight times more than I have enjoyed typing them. Until tomorrow, my friend...

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Not My Leak

2010-12-10T07:36:00.000-08:00

WTF? First, I am accused of throwing a cable guy off my roof (see yesterday's post) now the WikiLeaking thing. The spelling is different, though.

(click pic to enlarge)

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Law of Cable

2010-12-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by New York Living.

The weather here in Brooklyn today is less than what one would hope for if one wanted to sunbathe nude on the roof of one's building. Which I do not, but it's still nice to know I have that option if the whim should hit me. But I do not have that option today, at least not unless I want to lose extremities I may want to use again later. The locals call it "winter," but I call it "way-too-ass-biting-cold-and-it-gets-dark-too-early-why-haven't-I-moved-to-the-tropics-yet?"

Speaking of the roof of my building, CHNW (wife) and I recently received a letter from a lawyer informing us that we are being sued because a cable TV worker tripped over some debris on our roof, fell into our backyard, crashed through our patio furniture and broke his back. This struck us as odd since we both work at home, our patio furniture is still in tact, and neither of us can recall any ambulance workers rushing through our house – which is the only way into our backyard. Was he airlifted out by a silent helicopter? we asked. Did he replace the patio furniture before taking off? If so, we certainly do owe him some money because that was just damned considerate.

As it turns out, he fell off of a different building which stands behind ours and over a fence. We rarely keep our patio furniture (or legal liability) in our neighbor's yard, which explained why we were unaware of the episode. The address of the offending building sports a different number and street name, so it is unclear why they addressed their complaint to us, but such are the mysteries of Time Warner. Perhaps our neighbor doesn't have cable and the cable guy got the wrong building in the first place.

We were relieved to hear it was not our building, but disappointed that we could not respond by telling them we would appear in court between the hours of 9am and 7pm on the date specified, but only if someone over 18 took the day off work to wait.

This story has nothing to do with these two cartoons, of course, but then neither does anything else. Hope you enjoyed them and it all the same.

Apple Knocker

2010-12-08T09:30:00.001-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Those Darn Kids.

Our first cartoon today is another collaboration with my good buddy, Wayno. We're both fans of Magritte and although I've done a couple of takes on his famous "This is Not a Pipe" painting, I thought this one was original enough to use the theme again. I might get a small version of this tattoo myself, someday. Here's Wayno's description of the experience.

My caveman cartoon was dreamed up by a good friend Cliff's son, Emilio, so he got a byline. He and his dad were talking about knock knock jokes and surmised that cavemen wouldn't be good at it since they didn't have doors and would not know what a "knock" was. An odd idea and odd enough to inspire me to do a cartoon about it. Emilo's younger brother, Nicco, wrote a cartoon for me a while back, too.

Know a goth couple who just had a kid? This is the perfect gift for them! You can find it and tons of other useful products with jillions of Bizarro cartoons on them by clicking this.

Comes in other colors, too! Wow!

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Off With...

2010-12-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Signage.

After this published, I got a few emails from people asking if I knew I had misspelled "pumpkin." Even if I hadn't know it, my editor would have caught it, which she did and checked with me to make sure it was intentional. I told her what I'm telling you now – yes, it was intentional. I wanted to make it look like one of those hand-made signs in the country which you often see along American highways which, in my experience, are frequently misspelled, so I did this to add a touch of realixm.

Nonetheless, the actual joke is in the other sign so let's just drop it.

Got big deadlines today, so I'm cutting this short. Anyone see HBO's "Boardwalk Empire" last night night? It's getting gooooood.

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Bizarro Merch!

2010-12-05T09:23:00.001-08:00

If you're on of those peoples who buys stuff during this time of year and gives it away, why not consider buying some nifty shwag with Bizarro cartoons on it? Oh yes you can! It happens here, each year listed has a variety of cartoons to choose from and about a moziglion products you can put them on.

http://www.cafepress.com/bizarrostuff/4171562

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Ape Love

2010-12-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

(click on these cartoons for the biggest view you can get!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sexy Vegetables.

Today I offer you a couple of Sunday cartoons, one from last week and one from 2000. "Dave's Auto Repair" is one that my buddy Cliff and I dreamed up while we were tripping on Yak dung in the Himalayas. Once each year, Cliff and I pick some spot on the planet at random, buy a one-way ticket there, bring no money or luggage, then try to figure out a way to earn enough money to get home. We find that it is a real character-building experience. This year's trip involved eating Yak dung, but that's a story for another time.

I chose this old cartoon from the archives because I thought it was kooky and fun. If you know anything about "imprinting," you'll agree that if a human child was raised exclusively by apes in an environment devoid of humans, as Tarzan supposedly was, he would likely be sexually attracted to apes instead of humans. Mrrrow!

I enjoyed drawing these characters and the family photos on the wall, too. It's also worth noting that this cartoon is rife with "secret symbols." There are about 18 or 19 in this one, if you don't count the incomplete ones, like the bunny ears on the carpet that don't really make an entire bunny. I may have been tripping on Yak dung the day I drew this one, too. I can't remember. That's one of the regrettable side effects of Yak dung consumption.*

*Legal disclaimer: This post is in no way meant to encourage anyone to consume the dung of any animal. Or flesh or mammary secretions (dairy), either, for that matter.

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Watching

2010-12-03T07:45:00.000-08:00

Today's Bizarro is brought to you by Sudsy Feet.

After I published my previous post about the sort of TV shows I truly hate, many readers asked what shows I like. Some people are always trying to look on the bright side of things, declare the glass half full, pointing out the silver lining, filling the shoes with chocolate feet. (I made that last one up but I think it works.)

So here follows a list of shows I am addicted to, in no particular order. I watch TV every night, I fully admit. Some may say I watch TV too much, but I also read every night and exercise every day, so it all evens out. (If lifting a bottle of scotch can be considered exercise, and I am pretty certain it can. Especially when it's full.)

Comedy:
East Bound and Down (HBO) Kenny and Stevie rule!
Weeds (Showtime) Rent the first season, watch it from the beginning. So great.
Californication (Showtime) Great writing, acerbic humor.
Bored to Death (HBO) Not brilliant, but funny and anything with Zach Galifianakis is worth watching. Ted Danson is great in this, too. (Met Zach once and he was already a fan of Bizarro. I peed my pants a little.)
Community (NBC) Major network sit-com, but give it a chance from the first episode. Great comedy writing and characters. Senor Chang is classic.
Raising Hope (FOX) very strange characters, Cloris Leachman is brilliant, as is Garret Dillahunt as Burt.
Children's Hospital (Cartoon Network, Adult Swim) Rob Corddry created it and stars. So weird.
Louie (FX) Louie C.K.'s avant-garde sit-com.
Modern Family (ABC) One of the funniest sit-coms to come out of a major network in ages. Ty Burrell is brilliant.
30 Rock (NBC) Entire cast is brilliant, the writing is top notch.

Drama:
Dexter (Showtime) See the first season.
Mad Men (AMC) Watch from the beginning, truly top notch. (CHNW and I ran into John Hamm in a restaurant once, got to talking and had dinner with him. Super sweet guy. This was years before he was famous. Weird coincidence.)
Breaking Bad (AMC) Possibly the best drama on TV in ten years or more. My opinion, of course. Definitely watch it from the beginning, don't just drop in on it.
True Blood (HBO) A complete lark, a guilty pleasure. Not brilliant, but tons o' fun. Could be considered a comedy, too.
Damages (FX) First season is brilliant.
Rubicon (AMC) Fairly new show, I'm really digging it. Watch from beginning, very complex plot.
Boardwalk Empire (HBO) Terrific show with the sort of long term appeal of Sopranos.
Terriers (FX) A new show that I've really fallen in love with. Great characters and acting.
FlashForward (ABC) I was really hooked on this show but I'm told it got canceled. Damn.

I used to be hooked on Keith Oberman every night, but politics sicken me and I find that I'm much less agitated if I ignore them altogether. So many crazy, frightened people in the world. I can't look any more.

There are a few others I watch but those above make up my "must see" list. Of course, it goes without saying (then why am I saying it?) that anything with Ricky Gervais is a must see. Extras on HBO (I'm not sure if they're making that anymore), the original "The Office" from BBC or whoever (the America version is good, too, but I've never gotten hooked on it because I think it pales in comparison to the British one), any talk show, awards show, or guest appearance. No one funnier in the world. Russell Brand is always worth my time, too, as is Zach Galifianakis and a few others.

Feel free to suggest your favorites. Not that I have any room in my schedule, but you never know when something might get canceled.

This post is too long. It's verging on the stupidity of all those millions of Tweets that document utterly unimportant and self indulgent information. Ick.

Oh yeah, hope you enjoyed today's cartoons.

Not To Be Missed

2010-12-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

The Grand Imperial Poobah of Uncategorizable Comedy is in Los Angeles this weekend. If you've never seen him, rush to get tickets. If you've seen him before, you're already rushing.

His words:
Will Franken's One-Man Holiday Show: "Texas Chainsaw Yuletide"
Friday, December 3rd (8pm) and Saturday, December 4th (10pm)
Theatre Asylum
6320 Santa Monica Boulevard, Hollywood, CA
Only $15

Here's a link where you can score some tickets straightaway --

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/137563

If you want to see a reprise of my much-heralded twenty-five minute closer "Michael Caine Returns Home to the Village of Taliashire After Being Kicked in the Head By a Horse and Visited By The Ghost of Marlon Brando" as well as the new pieces, "Gay Raphael the Flaming Archangel" and "Vegetarian Dingo Testifies on His Own Behalf", this is the place to do it.

We Glorified Apes

2010-12-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Blog.

I've heard that "Two and a Half Men" is America's most popular sit-com. As a person who would like very much to get into the TV business, this distresses me. I have only been able to watch a few minutes of a couple of episodes of this juggernaut before my brain ratcheted into survival mode and told my hand to change the channel. On each occasion, it took hours to shake off the willies.

I often find most extremely popular comedies to be utterly repugnant. This does not portend well for my chances in Hollywood. So I thought of this cartoon and I really like it. This would be a funnier premise for a sit-com, in my opinion.

My turtle penthouse gag is from a collaboration with my good friend and holder of one of the best pun names ever, Richard Cabeza. Since a tortoise's shell is his home, imagine what a high-rise apartment building of tortoises would look like. I don't even want to try to draw that.

Another popular TV show that makes me wonder if I am the same species as the millions of people who cannot live without it is "Dancing with the Stars." I wrote this gag weeks ago just because I hate the show, but when it ran in the papers last week, Bristles Palin's bid for top honors on that very show was in the news. A lucky coincidence. As many other people noted, how is this person a "star"? Becoming famous because you are the unwed pregnant teen of a megalomaniac hardly endows one with star quality.

But celebrity is often unearned, that is the nature of our human world. Humans are glorified apes who happened to evolve a very powerful brain. If any other species had been genetically gifted in this same way, they'd likely make just as big of fools of themselves as we do.

My apologies to any of my readers who are fans of the shows I've trashed here today. These are just my opinions, your results may vary wildly. As well they should. I'm just another random, glorified ape making a fool of myself on an hourly basis.

A parting gag: in reference to a blog a few days ago I accidentally referred to Ziggy as Zippy in a comment on Facebook. These characters with similar names could scarcely be at further ends of the cartoon scale but it gave me the idea to combine them. I present to you here, the yin/yang hero/villain, Zigpy the Pudhead, with apologies to Bill Griffith and Tom Wilson.

Cliche Discussion

2010-11-28T07:59:00.000-08:00

(If you, like me, would like to see this picture bigger, click on the cartoon man's right eyelid.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Mysterious Explanations.

My favorite cartoons have always been single-panel magazine cartoons, the likes of which could once be found in National Lampoon and just about every other magazine in America, and which can now be found in The New Yorker and almost nowhere else. Within that genre is a canon of cartoon cliches that have been done millions of times in millions of ways: the psychiatrist's couch, the fish crawling out of the water and growing legs, the ascent of man, the guy stuck on a desert island, the cat and the mousehole, the guy crawling through a desert. This Sunday cartoon is particularly fun for me because I combined two of the oeuvre in one panel.

I love coming up with new versions of those standards, and especially doing satires of the standards themselves. Here is an example of one such satire from 1995, taken from my book, Life is Strange and So Are You – A Bizarro Sunday Treasury. The character in the water is mine, all the rest are borrowed from some of my favorite cartoonists (and one that I'm not a fan of at all but is highly recognizable.) See if you can figure out who is who. If you want to jump ahead, here is a diagram of which characters belong to which famous cartoonists. Most of you can guess which one I included not because I'm a fan but because of his recognizability alone.

Thanks for dropping by today, I've enjoyed pretending to talk to you.

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Holiday Breakdown

2010-11-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Favorite Holiday Memories.

If you're reading this post then you, like me, survived yesterday's holiday here in the U.S. We call it Thanksgiving Day and it's a mixed bag in my book. There are things I both enjoy and despise about TGiving, which I have listed below for your future use and quick reference.

Likes:
a. Not a religious holiday. This keeps it low-key and guilt-free with no official services to attend to keep your mom from getting upset, no melodramatic speeches by TV pundits about how "our make-believe is being eroded by some other culture's make-believe".

b. Mostly just about food and who doesn't like to eat? (other than super models) Lift food to mouth, open, insert, close, chew. Any moron can do it.

c. Mindless activities like watching football on TV and taking a nap are actually an integral part of the tradition.

d. Somehow, merchants have not commandeered this holiday as they have Xmas, so gifts are not mandatory. What a money saver!

e. Miraculously, TGiving has escaped the hideous novelty songs with which Xmas is plagued for weeks. Ah, the sound of silence!

Dislikes:
a. People use it to get sappy about what they're thankful for. I dislike this because I think one should be aware of these things daily. Those of us who are, don't need a national holiday to remind us of what is a fundamental part of our consciousness, and those who do need to be reminded are probably not moved in any substantive manner anyway. To me, it's like having a national holiday to remind us to brush our teeth. If you have to be reminded, it's probably too late anyway.

b. People make it religious by thanking "god" for what they have. Okay, fine, thanking the gods for food, shelter, good weather, a successful massacre of your enemy, etc. is a common human behavior that predates language and any of our modern gods, but I'd like to see us grow out of this superstition eventually. You can be thankful without being thankful to invisible magic people. This country could use a lot more rational thought and a lot less superstitious fear and persecution, God knows.

c. Americans celebrate warm and fuzzy thankfulness by wreaking a grisly holocaust on 45 million innocent birds (in a single day). I get it, it's tradition, it will never change, blah blah. But those of us who have come to see members of other species as someone instead of something lament the needless and cruel slaughter. It goes on 365 days a year, of course (300 million turkeys annually), but on TGiving the slaughter itself is celebrated as part of the experience, complete with goofy, cartoon images of the victims in pilgrim hats.

I'm sure I've missed something, but I'm still reeling from my food hangover. I ate waaaaay too much last night and won't eat again soon. In the final tally, looks like I have 5 likes and 3 dislikes, so all in all, the holiday gets a thumbs up.

Here now, from the cartoon dungeon's archives, is an old Sunday comic I did years ago. (click it to see it bigger) I went through a period around the turn of the century during which I was writing oddball children's poems for an unspecified reason. Eventually, I turned some of them into cartoons.

More later, have a black, black Black Friday.

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Catching Up

2010-11-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Before and After.

Gosh dern, it's good to be getting caught up with the blog posts. Much to discuss, let's get started.

Our first cartoon today is another collaboration between my friend and colleague, Wayno. We kicked this one around quite a bit before deciding on this approach. Here's Wayno's account of the whole story. I remain mystified by people's obsessions with virtual lives as opposed to their own. I've never done any of these kinds of things and am, frankly, afraid of them. They tap into some natural tendency of humans or they wouldn't be so popular. I stay away from them because I'm pretty sure I'd be hooked and not get anything done in the real world. It's the same reason I've never owned any video gaming system. Too tempting. Surfing the web is addictive enough.

Next stop, weight loss. Almost all of us could maintain a healthy weight if we ate natural foods and exercised, but it's just too tempting to eat delicious, readily-accessible, inexpensive junk food and watch TV instead of exercise. I fall prey to this, too, in my vegan way. It's the world we live in, waddyagonnado?

The early hands-free phone is an idea from my friend Michael Capozzola. It's an opportunity for a fun pic. Check out some of Capo's stand-up comedy. His routine on "cougars" is terrific.

These last two gags are about females who eat their mates and a male that probably should have been eaten long ago. Hope you get a smile.

As soon as I get some pics and video of my shows in Tulsa, I'll share them here. They both went really well and were more-or-less sold out. Always fun to do comedy in the hometown. One show included a Piraro impersonator.

Not Really Back

2010-11-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been away from my blog for so long, I've been performing in Tulsa and visiting family. I'm catching up on deadlines today but will back tomorrow blogging like a mofo. Come back and have an ogle!

Many Cartoons

2010-11-16T06:38:00.000-08:00

Today's whopper-sized Bizarro post is brought to you by Children As Food.

Lots to take care of today, I've fallen behind on posting cartoons. As I've mentioned within these electronic walls enough times to cause you to cough up your spleen, I have some shows in Tulsa later this week. This means I must get five days ahead on deadlines which takes 15 days of working double time. I have no idea why it works out that way, but that's cartoon math for you. Just when you think you've solved the equation, a safe falls on your head.

If you are in the Tulsa area, come to one or both of my shows this week, please. You won't regret it. I won't let you. If I see you shuffling off after the show with a look of regret on your face, I'll hit you with my dad's car.

Two to choose from:
Thursday, Nov 18, Philbrook Museum, 6pm-7:30, I'll be discussing my cartoon career, fine art, comedy shows, and playing a few original songs. Q & A to follow. Free with admission to museum.

Friday, Nov 19, Tulsa Elks Lodge, 8pm, a full-on comedy show with cartoons, stand-up, audience participation, onstage drawing, six original songs with backup musicians. $10, goes to charity.

Not sure if I'll be able to post again this week, but I'll try to do it once before I leave. I'd love to be do a post about the Great Garfield Veteran's Day Scandal of 2010, for instance, and talk about how that same thing has happened to me on a couple of occasions. I'll do it if I have time, for sure.

Back to the humor dungeon. Hope to see you in Tulsa.

Sunday Punnies # 10

2010-11-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

(For a larger view of this comic, click on the ostrich's beak)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unexpected Crime Waves.

If you are reading today's blog, there is a decent chance you read the fine print in my Sunday Punnies #10 cartoon that published today. Welcome! If you can hear the sound of my voice, adjust your computer and examine your meds. I'm not talking.

Here are three puns that were generously contributed by three different readers, whose names appear in microscopic print at the bottom of each panel of the triptych. Of course, they didn't do all the work. I figured out brilliant ways to portray them graphically or tweak them with additional dialogue, and I auditioned the thousands of actors it took to find the cast that would best represent the hilarity intended by M. Kaskel, Bill G. and Witte.

If you've got an idea for a pun, leave it in the comments section of any post on my blog. I don't publish the pun suggestions, so you'll never see it appear here, but rest assured that I am reading and considering each one. Don't forget to leave me an email address if you'd like to be notified of the date your pun will appear in Bizarro (should I choose it) and what name you'd like to appear on the panel. First or last and an initial is the most I can use, no full names allowed.

IMPORTANT: You'll receive no payment or compensation for participating. All you get is the glory and giggles of seeing your submission in print.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR: Original, unexpected puns. Please don't send things you've heard or read elsewhere.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: If you incur an injury while typing a pun to submit to Bizarro, it isn't my fault and I'm not even going to dignify your lawyer's accusations with a response. You must be 18 to vote, but you can submit a pun to me at any age. I really don't care. You need not be present to win, because you're not really winning anything and, after all, who among us is truly "present"? I mean besides Oprah.

Thanks so much! Hey, as long as you're here, click around on some of the other posts and see if you like what I'm doing. Don't miss the blue links, they're funny pictures!

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Big News

2010-11-12T05:48:00.001-08:00

Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb

See This Show

2010-11-10T07:40:00.001-08:00

My good friend and comedy genius from another dimension, Will Franken, is doing another one-man show at The Purple Onion again soon. See it if you can, he is a rare performer without equal. Below are Will's own words:

Will Franken in “I’ll Be Your Neck”
The Purple Onion
140 Columbus Avenue, San Francisco
Saturday, November 20th
(2 shows; 8pm and 10pm)
$20

https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/134380

Get your tickets now!

“I’ll Be Your Neck” is the story of one’s man pursuit to hold a woman’s head because she’s too beautiful to use her own neck.

It’s also the story of many other things as well. There’s an 8-year old black girl narrating Spike Lee’s remake of “Silence of the Lambs” (momma talk about the bad man sometimes. He wanted momma to put lotion on her skin. But momma didn’t want to. . .)

It’s the story of a jealous husband who sulks alone in his bedroom while Will laughs it up downstairs with the wife. Based on true events, Will plays the parts of the husband, the wife, and himself. “Honey, can I talk to you in the bedroom real quick? I can’t find my shoehorn! Will, how is the comedy going? Well, it certainly sounds like my wife is a huge fan! I can hear her laughing all the way upstairs in the bedroom where her and I sleep as husband and wife! Honey, can you please help me find the shoehorn?”

It’s the story of an inverse world where the white trash guys from Fresno are running tech support for Indians who don’t know anything about computers.

It’s the story of the big screen adaptation of “Handbags With Mary Beth On QVC” featuring Christopher Walken as Mary Beth, Crispin Glover as Joyce (his co-host), and Stephen Hawking as Caller #7.

It’s the story of how a man mistook a cowlick for a brain tumor and how the doctor still expects him to pay for an over-the-counter hair gel.

It’s the story, all right.

Come see this story and you’ll have plenty of stories to tell.

I’m Will Franken. And this is my story.

Wm.

(willfranken.com)

Homeward and Bound

2010-11-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ageless Heroism.

I'm busy as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs this week as I try to get ahead on deadlines for my big trip next week to the land of milk and honey, Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Next week, on Thursday and Friday, I'm doing a couple of events in my hometown as well as speaking to a few classes of art students at my old high school, visiting family and old friends, and breaking into pharmacies in the middle of the night. I've found it's even cheaper than ordering drugs from Canada.

It's a fun visit, but can be emotionally taxing. My family is great, no problems there (except for my brother's wife who drinks constantly and inevitably pulls me into a closet at my parent's house and tries to make out with me) but seeing how the old stomping grounds and its inhabitants have changed is a challenge.

"Oh look, that's where the Pagoda Palace used to be, where I took my prom date for an exotic Chinese dinner. Now it's 1/85 of a parking lot for Walmart."

"Oh, look, there is a girl I dated in high school, now she's a greeter at Walmart, a born-again Christian and has 16 children and counting."

"And who's that guy sitting in the front row of my talk at the museum? He looks a little like the father of Kurt, a kid I rode bikes with in junior high school. Oh, that's actually him – do I look that much like my dad did in 1971? I remember Kurt cheating off my paper in math class because he wasn't very smart. Right after college, he came up with some Internet thing, sold it for millions and hasn't worked in 29 years. Will you help me kill him?"

But the good outweighs the bad and I'm really looking forward to it. The breaking news this week is that my Dad, Fred Piraro, is going to be opening for me at the Elk's Lodge show. He'll be warming up the crowd with a few of his comedy stylings, then introducing me. He's done this kind of thing for me before and he's very good at it. He doesn't have any formal experience as a stand-up comic, but if you get a couple drinks into most old Sicilian guys, they pretty much become the life of any party. Or strangle someone with a piano wire. (We're keeping him away from the piano that night.)

Hope to see you there.

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My Marathon

2010-11-08T08:12:00.000-08:00

Here are a couple of pictures of me running the NYC Marathon yesterday. It passes by about a block from my house and every year I see all those people jogging past hour after hour and listen to the bumper-to-bumper detoured traffic on my street honking and wonder, "what's the big deal with that thing, huh?"

So this year I decided to compete. I didn't win, but as anyone who runs in this kind of event can tell you, it's not about winning, it's about the personal challenge. And it was very challenging to get out of bed that early on a Sunday.
I hope these pictures will help you to admire me and maybe inspire yourself to get out of bed, too.

Sexy Children Dogs

2010-11-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Contraceptive Fashion.

People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue comes out on November 17th and if they don't pick me this year, I say SCREW THEM. I have all of the qualifications they list: I'm alive and I'm sexy. (Says CHNW) So what is the holdup?

If they pick some damn vampire actor again, I'm going to the deli across the street from my apartment and turning over the magazine rack. Seriously.

On to more pleasant topics, here is a cartoon about witches who eat children. So she's heading out to pick up lunch with an empty stroller. Get it? What's funnier than eating children?
(Note to children reading this blog: Ask your parents if they have updated the anti-witch security devices in your home. Firefighters recommend changing the batteries on January 1st each year.)

Finally, from the archival vault (trash bags in my basement) comes this ancient Sunday comic from October of 1998. This was before I started coloring on computer, hence the colour de crapola, as they say in French. You can click on it to achieve biggerness, which will enable you to read it more good.

Dogs are so cute. By the way, where can I get one of these for my very own?

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The Hole Thing

2010-11-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

A fine website answering to the name "The Comics Journal," has published a three-part interview of myself. Against my innate sense of modesty and with great shame, I provide you here below with links to the whole shebang. WARNING: This interview is NOT appropriate for people not able to read.
Part 1 of 3

Part 2

Part 3

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Bird Parts

2010-11-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Talent!

America's Got Talons is one of my favorite gags in a long time. Like my great aunt Wynona, it isn't deep, but it makes me laugh. And once again, I didn't write it, though I wish I had. This one comes from my good friend and fellow cartoonist/stand-up comic, Michael Capozzola. He's as big a fan of these competition reality shows as I am. That is to say, he'd rather die than have to watch one. That has nothing to do with this cartoon, but I just wanted to hammer another nail into that post. (strange metaphor, probably won't every use it again)

The next item on today's menu is the duck gag. I've spent some time on a shrink's couch (only figuratively, I've never seen an actual psychiatrist, just psychologists, and I've never had one that wanted me to lie down, somewhat to my disappointment) and none of them have been ducks. But if they were, I imagine they might say something like this and I would be surprised and maybe giggle a bit. Hence, a cartoon. I hope you like it and if you didn't, please don't leave a mean comment on this post because my therapist says I'm fragile right now.

Speaking of hammering more nails in an already victimized post, (I broke my own promise not to use that metaphor again, must mention this to my therapist) if you live in Oklahoma or know anyone who does, please come to (or have them go to) one or both of my performances in Tulsa in a couple of weeks. Boy, it's going to be fun. If you don't know what I'm talking about see these two posts: Thursday, Nov 18, and Friday, Nov 19. The shows are different, so see them both!

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Great Book Recommendation

2010-11-04T11:41:00.001-07:00

Another friend of mine has published the absolutely quintessential book about Looney Toons. It's called (look at picture above and read title) and it's a big, hardback book with an unbelievable amount of pull-out stuff inside. It's like every other page is a gift pack of some sort. There are envelopes with stickers or posters or old scripts inside. There are tear-out valentines cards, a catalog of ACME products, a pop-up graphic dealy bobber, postcards, a wearable mask, all kinds of stuff. No kidding, look at these action shots...

Here is an old comic book reproduction within the book. You can leave it there or rip it out and run around the house with it:

Here are some script pages reproductions inside an envelope that's stuck in the book:

The whole book is very much an insider's look at the process and legend of all those decades of great cartoons with never-before-published production sketches and all kinds of stuff that makes the nerd in you get all twitchy. If you or someone on your gift list is a cartoon fan, he/she/you/they/it will love this dang thing.

I'm not kidding. If I was, I would be honest about it.

Here's a place to buy it. (I get no kickback, I just like the book and the author)

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Book Suggestion

2010-11-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

Here's another bit of business I've been meaning to get to: A good buddy of mine has released his first book of cartoons and I'd like all of you to buy 100 copies and convince a 100 of your friends to do the same. If he doesn't sell enough books, his wife will make him quit cartooning and go back to being a small child working in an illegal shoe factory in the 3rd world.

So click this link and get to it! We've got a little boy to save!

THIS IS ALSO A LINK TO THE BOOK. WHAT A GREAT HOLIDAY GIFT THIS WOULD BE!

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VeganMoFo

2010-11-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to a month-long blogosphere event called VeganMoFo. Thought some of my herbivore buddies might like it.

http://veganmofo.wordpress.com/

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TALK TOO MUCH

2010-11-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

I recently did an interview with The Comics Journal and they have posted the first of three parts here:

http://www.tcj.com/interviews/a-conversation-with-bizarro-cartoonist-dan-piraro-part-one-of-three/

Good lord, I talk a lot. They say that in Part 2 I talk about "why comic strips have gotten so bad." I hope I didn't name names.

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THE BIG TULSA SHOW!

2010-11-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

(Click the poster above for more bigness!)

Folks, it's finally happened! My performing career has reached such a fever pitch that I will be headlining at the Tulsa Elks Lodge! Can anything stop me now?

I'll be in Tulsa for two different types of show, on two subsequent nights, this is the second one, as closer inspection of this blog will show. The show the night before will be at Philbrook Art Museum, and different than this one. Click here.

This Elks show is different in these ways:
1. MORE and different stand-up comedy and cartoons. And some slightly more adult humor.
2. A special V.I.P party beforehand, for people with a few extra bucks (to charity) and a misguided desire to meet me in person in a smaller room.
3. MORE songs than on the previous night, with talented backup musicians. NONE have EVER been performed in public.*
4. ALL the money goes to charity. You can spend a few bucks, have a great time, then pretend you went out of your way to do something nice for someone!
5. You will want to attend BOTH shows, compare and contrast.

Come and see me, laugh, meet me, get some signed cartoon books for holiday gifts, take pictures, create a memory that will last for an undetermined amount of time. This year, I'm looking forward to spending the week before Thanksgiving with YOU!

Ticket info here.

*Except one

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THE BIG TULSA TALK!

2010-11-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the poster above (click it to see it huge and legibly) I'll be appearing at Philbrook Museum of Art in my hometown of Tulsa soon! I'll be doing a bit of a hybrid sort of presentation with some stand-up comedy, lots of my favorite cartoons on the big screen, a discussion of my fine art, and an overview of my 25-year career as a cartoonist. And, most exciting and terrifying of all, I'll be performing a few of my original songs with talented musicians. Not comedy songs – songs about death and depression and hard drinking and sin. It will be FUN!

The next night I'll be doing a different kind of show, also in Tulsa, see the next post for that info. You'll want to be at BOTH of them! Trust me.

I'll be answering questions and signing books and whatever afterward, so this is your big chance to rub elbows with me and pretend I'm a celebrity. I'll help by dressing funny, like celebrities usually do. We can take a picture together and you can use it on your Christmas card. (No Hanukkah cards, please.*)

For more info, go to the Philbrook web site. http://www.philbrook.org/

*Kidding, of course. You can put me on whatever card you want.**

**Just a small sampling of some of the sort of politically incorrect humor I am likely to employ!

Halloween, Idiots, Teeth

2010-11-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Teeth.

I hope everyone had a dandy Halloween weekend. CHNW and I stayed home and watched scary movies. If you ever want to see a movie that will absolutely make your blood run cold and afraid to be alone after dark for the rest of your life, find one other than 1959's House on Haunted Hill, starring Vincent Price. If, on the other hand, you want to get stoned and laugh your buttocks off, this might be just the right choice.

I love old movies (and new movies, too, I'm not some weird gay guy still living with his mother, after all) and it always amazes me what passed for scary in olden times. Part of my problem is probably that I don't believe in anything supernatural – ghosts, demons, magic, spirits, etc. – so I never fall for those kinds of stories. The only movies I find "scary" are films about murderers or whatever. Things that could actually happen to me. I can't bear slasher or torture movies at all.

When I was a teenager, however, it was different. During my brief few years as a fundamentalist "teen for Jesus" type, I firmly believed in the devil and demons, so movies like The Exorcist scared the crap out of me. Almost as much as the prospect of President Sarah Palin does now, for instance. Oh yeah, it's election day, I have to go vote. You should go vote, too, unless you're superstitious and think that gays, Mexicans and socialists are trying to take over America. Then maybe you should skip it.

Let the angry comments begin!

By the way, the "idiot" joke above was a collaboration between me and my good friend, Wayno. Here's his post on how it morphed as we discussed it.

Halloween

2010-10-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pumpkin
Abuse.

It is Halloween weekend and if I were a 10-year-old child I'd be getting my costume ready for trick-or-treating. But since I am ancient and my sciatica is acting up, I'll probably stay in with my nurse and have her rub liniment on my lower back. Did I mention my nurse is a 24-year-old student from Sweden?

A few years ago, I started doing "Scariest Halloween Costumes of (year)" Sunday cartoons and have kept that tradition. Here today are all of them since 2007 when I began.

(click the cartoon images for a biggerer view)
As you can see, the first one is graphically fairly simple in comparison to what I did in later years. In this one I referred to global warming, the lead toys from China scandal, NFL quarterback Michael Vick's dog fighting problems, more about the environment with the over-zealous breeders, and the consistently abhorrent anti-role models, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Strangely, I got the most hate mail about the population crisis. Many fundamentalist Christians took exception to my contradiction of their lord's instructions to "be fruitful and multiply." I still contend He was talking about practicing your math skills.

In '08, an election year, I touched on the collapsing economy and blamed it on the Republicans, which everyone but a die-hard Republican would agree with. I also hit the TV writer's strike, which has pretty much been forgotten by now. I expected hate mail about the drunken elephant and got some.

2009 brought the term "Zombie bank" into the popular lexicon, which was a natural for this. It was also the year Kanye West made an ass of himself at the MTV awards (or whatever it was), Michael Jackson died, and Fox and it's minions funded and organized the faux grass-roots protests about health care reform. I got hate mail about the health care reform aspect on this one, of course.

This year's cartoon does not touch on political events at all, though there were plenty of easy targets. The Fox News funded and organized, faux grass-roots Tea Baggers would have been an obvious choice but American politics have become so incredible incendiary and stupid that I no longer bother to editorialize. (Except here on this blog.) I've decided that such things do nothing to change anyone's mind and amid the current epidemic of idiocy, I might get tarred and feathered or lynched. Still, I think the three topics I chose are funny, especially the little Jesse James Nazi kid with his toy chopper bike. Although Jay Leno stealing candy from a baby makes me smile, too. I can't imagine what hate mail I could get from this one but I'm often surprised. I'll keep you updated.

Have fun on Halloween this year and be safe. Unless being safe ruins your fun, in which case you should just go for it. What's a few less humans on a crowded planet?

Italian Spiderman

2010-10-28T10:50:00.001-07:00

I posted this video on this blog a couple of years ago but it definitely bears repeating. Enjoy.

Pow Sex Tights

2010-10-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Ovum Racists.

Two super hero cartoons today, because I'm still in the super hero mode to load up my new book of Bizarro super hero cartoons coming out next spring, which I've talked about enough on this blog to make me vomit. Why do I keep talking about it? I don't know, maybe I'm hoping that it will sell more than a dozen copies and break all previous records for Bizarro books.

As much as it makes my gout flare up to admit it, I was a kid back in the late '60s when the original Batman TV show aired. If you've never seen it, do so. It was a gem. It was The Simpsons of its day in the sense that it ran in prime time, had big ratings, and was so quirky that celebrities were lining up to do cameos on it. But that's not important right now. What's important is that they had several corny fight scenes in each show, during which a giant "Pow!" or "Zok!" or "Bap!" was written across the screen in big comic book lettering. Just like in this cartoon, which is why I like it. Now you can stop wondering.

And what a great segue it was to have the word "wondering" in that last sentence. Because now we will talk about Wonder Woman. Wow. What a babe. In the late 60s, porn was not readily available to young boys such as myself, so Wonder Woman comic books were the object of my desires and fantasies. Oh, to be tied up by her magic lasso and...perhaps I'll leave the details for another blog, one about embarrassing personal sexual fantasies involving fictional Amazonian cartoon characters.

So here is Wonder Woman shopping for threads and it brings to mind another cartoon I did about super hero fashion, fresh from the dank archives of Bizarro International Headquarters.

Have a super day.

Fun Web Site

2010-10-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

Today I'd like to mention a favorite web site of mine. It's called Fwithpeople.com and every day some guy named Doug writes emails back and forth with an unsuspecting person, just to be an idiot and "F" with them. It's not as cruel as it sounds (or as you might hope it would be if you're a heartless "A" hole) but it's funny. I always get a smile or six from it so I wanted to share.

Directions:
1. click link
2. read some of it
3. bookmark
4. repeat

http://fwithpeople.com/

.

Cool Hot Deal

2010-10-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself reading this blog regularly and saying quietly within your own mind something like, "That Piraro has real class. I'll bet he'd never sell out," you'd be wrong.

In fact, I recently discovered a need within my own personal life for a space heater. A few years ago I need bar stools, but at the moment, I have plenty of those and it happens to be a space heater that is the object of my desire. Sometimes the space I am occupying is colder than I'd like so a device that would heat that space would be perfect. Then I remembered that a pretty immense website called CSN, which features like 200 different stores that sell just about everything on earth, asked me if I would review a product of theirs. I looked through their site and what do you know? Yes, they have space heaters, a gazillion of them, so I asked them to send one to me to review. The cool part of this transaction is that I get to keep it! It's one of the small perks I get from having a blog that I never make money from. Maybe the only perk, come to think of it. (Anyone interested in having me review health insurance?)

Of course, I could have chosen a clock that has something to do with the water, but I chose a space heater. I just hope it heats small spaces, like the one I'm sitting in now, and not all of space. Like where the planets float. That could be a problem.

I'll let you know which one it does after it arrives.

Zilla Math Cell Phone

2010-10-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by No One Zilla.

Today is a special presentation of Unusual Mail From Unusual Readers. The day after the Godzilla cartoon at left ran in the paper, I was copied on the following email, sent to the Tacoma News Tribune editor. The author allowed that I may post this letter here as long as I do not edit it in any way, including his "job title."

October 19, 2010

Dear Tacoma News Tribune Editors:

I would like to correct a misperception that Dan Piraro, creator of the
"Bizarro" comic panel, has introduced with his 10/18/10 panel. In it he shows a
Godzillan instructor before a blackboard on which the populations of Tokyo and
Wyoming are written (12,790,000 and 493,782, respectively), explaining to a
couple of lecture attendees that "As you can see, the caloric density of Tokyo
is more than two dozen times that of the entire state of Wyoming." While
technically correct, this vastly understates Tokyo's superiority as a homo
sapien meat source over Wyoming. Piraro has made the simple error of dividing
the two populations to obtain his "two dozen times" figure. Caloric density,
however, is a function of food source population divided by the food source's
geographical area. Tokyo covers 844 square miles while Wyoming covers 97,814
square miles, meaning that the caloric densities of Tokyo and Wyoming are 15,154
humans per square mile and 5 humans per square mile, respectively. Thus the
caloric density of Tokyo is more than 3,000 or 250 dozen times that of Wyoming,
not 24 or two dozen as Piraro states. For any species dependent in whole or
part on human flesh for its survival, that is a huge difference. (Why the
difference? Overconsumption of human stock in Wyoming by Tyrannosaurus Dick.)
I don't wish to unduly criticize Dan Piraro, who is a fine cartoonist, but I'm
sure that if Gary Larson were still covering the animal husbandry beat, this
error would not have crept into the pages of your newspaper. I hope you will
publish this letter to properly inform your readers of Tokyo's true magnificence
as a food source. To reassure readers unable to afford transoceanic passage to
Japan, I note that the caloric densities of Tacoma and Seattle are 4,107 and
6,799 humans per square mile, respectively. While Seattle-area metropolises
don't offer as calorie-abundant an environment as Tokyo, Seattleites' rich diet
of liberal hypocrisy, complacency, and arrogance make them some of the tastiest
eating on the planet.

Sincerely,
Brett Landgraf
The Pink Nigger

His math is correct, of course, and I regret the error. Mr. Landgraf and I have corresponded on another occasion, which I will not post in its entirety here, in which he explained why he insists on being called "The Pink Nigger." His answer, paraphrased, is that his skin is pink (caucasian) and he is, at least in part, a slave to property and labor markets. My guess is that he is fiercely libertarian, but I could be wrong. Whatever his philosophy, I found his letter amusing and wanted to share. (Note: I'm not one to believe that words are taboo, only context. If I thought his use of "nigger" was meant to promote racism, I wouldn't have posted it here.)

On to the next cartoon: I thought of this gag when trapped in public on my cell phone during a difficult conversation. I wanted to scream but did not wish to abuse the others around me. And no, it was not a conversation with CHNW.

For today's blast from the Bizarro archives, click on the No One Zilla link in the first sentence of this post.

Cheers. (salutation, not sit-com)

.

Pockets

2010-10-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

(click the cartoon above for a bigger Koala)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiger Urine.

As I've mentioned many times before and you're sick to death of hearing, I'm publishing a book of Bizarro super hero cartoons next spring. The thing is that even though I've been doing super hero spoofs (what a great word "spoof" is) fairly regularly for 25 years, there still weren't quite enough to fill a book, so I've been writing lots of super hero gags in the past couple/three months to fill out the quota. Some of my friends and collaborators have been good enough to send me their super hero ideas, too. Thanks for all the help.

I like the idiocy of a super hero who carries a fanny pack in case there might be something in it that can help in a crisis, and I really like the perspective I drew this from. The windows in the pink building get pretty wonky toward the top, they're not really in correct perspective at that point, but I drew this out of my head without reference, rulers or straightedges of any kind, so I'm giving my self a break. Maybe I'll fix it for the book. Yes, I'm just that anal.

MID 1900S

2010-10-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

I came across this video from 1954 and really dug it, daddio. SO much better than the crap that's on TV now! (shouted the crotchety old man from his lawn chair on the back porch)

Death Disease Advertising

2010-10-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Waxy Heston.

Just for the sake of doing something different, today I'll start out with an old cartoon from the Bizarro archives, and then move on to the more recent cartoons. If you're uncomfortable with this change and would like to reverse this order, click here.

Here is a cartoon from 1996, only a few months after my first wife and I suddenly split up as a result of a dispute over the 7th commandment. I'm not a big fan of most of the commandments but this is one that remains one of my general rules in life for both myself and my partner. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned boy from Tulsa.

During this time I was very upset as a rule, and at times I was downright suicidal. The normally painful act of scraping a new cartoon out of the folds of my brain each day was exceptionally excruciating during this period, when all I really wanted to do was fantasize about double homicide. But my regular habits of eating daily and living indoors depended on it, so I soldiered on. This cartoon is an excellent example of how one can turn one's darker thoughts into comedy fit for public consumption.

In contrast, these days I'm pretty happy so my jokes are not mostly about death. Here's one, for example, that is about disease. The spelling error idea was sent to me by a reader and this is how I used it. A close friend of mine recently got a random staph infection in his eye and nearly lost it. No kidding, you shouldn't play around with that stuff. Eyes are handy, especially in pairs. He's better now, thanks.

This last idea I got while watching Mad Men, one of my favorite television programs. I think of myself as a sort of Don Draper type, except I'm not living under an assumed identity, I'm not in advertising, and I'm not suave and irresistible to women. Other than that, though...

Samson Drugs Teabagger

2010-10-21T07:59:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Elections.

We've all had a good time the last few days discussing our various beliefs about science, diet and cancer, but now it's time to get down to something serious: comedy.

What could be more blissful and relaxing than living in a pharmaceutical ad? You feel no anxiety, you don't have to pee, you can get an erection any time the mood strikes and you can eat like a pig without worrying about your cholesterol. Of course, there are encyclopedias of terrifying side effects to consider, but those are only represented in the dulcet tones of the voice over. Nothing bad ever happens in a pharmaceutical ad. Count me in!

Less euphoric is the world of luggage transportation. Even with the unbelievably recent addition of wheels (we've had luggage and the wheel for tens of thousands of years and it was the late 20th century before anyone thought to combine them!) one still has to schlep one's luggage up and down stairs, into cars, over curbs, onto the scales at the airport, etc. If I'm traveling with the full 49.9 lbs suitcase, I always return with a backache. One would think the legendary strongman, Samson, would be immune to such human weakness, but along comes Samsonite.

Speaking of catastrophe, I'm trying hard not to worry about the elections in a couple of weeks. I know that Americans will just hand the country back over to the party that took eight years to ruin it because the current party couldn't fix it in two years. It's a done deal. So I'm telling myself ahead of time that it's already happened, things will get worse, humans are a deeply flawed species, someday I'll die and none of it will matter.

Maybe I'll be surprised and American voters in sufficient numbers will just say no to Fox News, but I think that's unlikely so we might as well have some fun with it and elect a Mr. T impersonator or a masturbation-opposing witch. As long as you're destined to listen to morons on the news for x number of years, you might as well go for the craziest ones possible. That's entertainment!

Another comedy post tomorrow, I hope to see your eyes peering through the computer screen again then, except for those of you who are big fans of Fox News and swear me off for good.

Cancer Fuss

2010-10-20T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post garnered some criticism about my assertion that there would be less cancer if people ate vegan diets. I don't want to start a never-ending war of comments and I normally would answer this kind of thing in the comments section itself, but this seemed important enough to post about. As requested, here is a link to one of many articles that supports my comment:

http://www.pcrm.org/resch/edresources/nutr_curr/nutr_curr_2.html

There are many other studies cited on that site, which is run by Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine, not fringe animal rights activists. I just wanted respond to the accusation that I am spouting off irresponsibly or without evidence. Each person's ethical code is their own business, of course, but mine does not allow the intentional victimization of another for my own benefit, except in cases of self defense against that other being. So I don't believe in torturing others to cure ourselves. That's just me, your results may vary and objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

In short, according to medical information I've read: yes, cancer has numerous causes, susceptibility is genetic, and diet can strongly affect your chances of getting it and recovering from it.

Cuss Bus Pink

2010-10-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Intimacy.

I was at the Ohio State University Festival of Cartoon Art over the weekend and my oh my what a dandy it was. They do this thing every three years, there are only about 250 tickets sold, and the majority of attendees are cartoonists and serious collectors and aficionados. Also in attendance were Matt Groening, Art Spiegelman, Bill Griffith, Roz Chast, Patrick McDonnell, James Sturm, Jen Sorensen, Jan Eliot, Dave Kellett, Tom Gammill, Tony Cochran, and Steve Breen. I'm sure I forgot someone, please forgive me. It was a great honor to be able to tipple with some of my heroes, particularly Groening, Spiegelman, Griffith and Chast – all four are legends of intelligent humor, something that is always in danger of extinction in this reality-show, increasingly lowbrow world.

About this passel of cartoons I've posted today to catch up: "Adult Spelling Bee" is an idea I originally published in the 90s, I think. I came across it in my archives while looking for something else and thought it was a good idea and could be done better with a little tweaking, so I rewrote it a bit and redrew it.

Because I'm compiling cartoons for my super hero collection coming out in the spring, I'm still writing super hero gags. The one about the bus is a fantasy I've had many times. I loathe sitting next to strangers on public transportation, especially talkative ones, and will do almost anything to avoid it. I'm a friendly guy, but I can't stand small talk and think few things are worse than sitting next to a chatty traveler on a long flight.

The Mothman cartoon was a collaboration with my young teenage friend, Victor. It's colored that sickening pink because it was part of a breast cancer awareness project that King Features sponsored. All of King's cartoonists were asked to color their comics pink on Sunday, October 10. They asked me to do the poster for it. I'm not a fan of cancer research and don't like supporting it monetarily because a lot of that money goes toward torturing lab animals. If humans ate vegan diets there would be substantially less cancer, but rather than inconvenience ourselves or stop doing something we enjoy, we torture and kill millions of innocent beings every year in an attempt to find ways to survive eating the wrong foods. In spite of my objections, I participated in this project because it doesn't give money to the cause directly, but mostly reminds people to get screenings so they can catch it early. Just my take on it, whatever.

Thanks to Victor for his help on Mothman, I may recolor it for the book. The pink kind of turns my stomach.

Retro Shrink Arms Nerd Speaker

2010-10-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by Adult Speakers.

Gosh, it's good to be back at blogging. I've been busy as a very busy person this past week, out of town, suffering from inoperable hair loss, you name it. But now I'm back and blogging like a mofo, as the kids say.

Clifford, the retro caveman is a suggestion from my good friend, Cliff, so I named the character after him. He doesn't look anything like this, he looks more like this.

This cartoon with the doggy at the shrink was popular among shrinks. Several wrote to me about it which led to long email exchanges about my early childhood and feelings of inadequacy.

The long-armed doctor cartoon is one of those jokes that I wrote just to have a chance to draw a funny picture of a guy with very long arms. Every now and then that happens. Over the many years of my career, since the late 1900s, I've drawn an exaggerated version of just about every body part you can imagine. Except the naughty ones that god did not mean for us to acknowledge in public, of course. If we were not meant to be ashamed of parts of our bodies we wouldn't have been born into this word wearing underwear, I always say.

My last cartoon today is about a super hero calling himself "The Nerd." After this was published I thought I should have had a funnier line as a response. Something like, "I fill the inboxes of criminals with lame jokes." I'll likely change it to something like that for the book of super hero cartoons I have coming out in the spring.

Must get back to deadlines now, dear reader, for I am off to Columbus on Friday for Ohio State University's Festival of Cartoon Art at which I am a speaker.

.

WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THIS

2010-10-09T20:20:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought ventriloquism was corny and old hat...

Kryptonite Bulb Seuss

2010-10-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

Bizarro is brought to you today by TONIGHT!

Wow, what a super bonus fun pack I have for you today! Our first illustration is an old header panel that I found in the archives. These things appear on the left side of my Sunday comic in some papers, so most people never get to see them. I also used this character (Psychic Salmon) on my website for a goofy fortune-telling page. Check it out here.

Now let's talk about this groovy Superman cartoon. I love it. The self-congratulatory nerd who has overcome Superman with his 99 cent phone app makes me laugh. And laughing is good. At the comedy gig I did last night I met an actress who is starring in the strange, controversial horror film, The Human Centipede, and has therefore been called upon to go to fantasy and comic conventions to publicize it. Some of her fans are even creepier than the movie.

This Edison cartoon garnered an email from a reader who said that Edison did not invent the light bulb, Tesla did. I know that Tesla was a genius on Edison's level, perhaps beyond, worked for Edison for a time and invented some things that Edison not only took credit for but never paid for, then went on to an illustrious career of his own. But I'm not sure the light bulb was one of those things. The electric motor that we still use all over the world today was Tesla's, that's all I can say for sure. If I had the stamina and motivation to look it up on Wikipedia, I could probably find the answer but it is Saturday morning and I'm feeling lazy. Either way, it's a cartoon not a history lesson, so Edison works for my purposes.

Lastly, is this odd Sunday cartoon from 2000, wherein I parody Seuss. I've been a huge fan of Dr. Seuss since I was learning to read and had a blast concocting this poem and drawing the characters. I thought you might enjoy having a look. If I was wrong, please don't say anything. It might hurt my feelings.

Have a weekend of grandeur, my friends.